SAILING...

So I am behind on my blog….I need to be writing something sparklingly witty. I need to be telling you of my wonderful trip I just took, how it changed my life…..
Well it did change my life…but not how I thought. Have you ever had something happen that seems preposterously unreal? Have you just never in a million years thought that a thing was possible, so much so that it never even entered your mind that it ever really could happen? Well I did. I have heard of people losing friendships who just say, very matter-of-factly; “Yeah we’re just not friends any more, that is done, that is over.” Wow…well, that just doesn’t happen in my life….. Except that; now it does.
Well, so then----in case you are a novice and have never had this happen---- you go through a grieving process. I think it is really similar to what happens with death…Of course I don’t mean your own death…I am not worried about that, and am definitely sure that because of my Savior Jesus, it is going to be EPIC!
No, here I am referring to the loss of family or a friend…you know the Kubler-Ross stages…I used to have them memorized and now they elude me, but I remember that in the grieving, is first; shock and denial, then anger, then sadness and finally acceptance. PLUS---right at the same time--- I also had two other people that I love and trust hurt me in rapid succession…..I was thinking “Are ya kiddin’ me???” I mean seriously! Sometimes Satan is just WAAAAY too obvious. Of course though I could actually kind of see the humor in it, it did not make the pain any less. It was all like some big colossal cosmic joke/nightmare and the punch-line really hurt!…AND---just to paint a really big picture for you--- I got either stomach flu or food poisoning to boot. Huh…..I mean it just truly makes you say, “Huh…”
Anyway…so I have been going through all of those grieving stages. It is just beyond weird. I wandered aimlessly for a bit, blathering my bewilderedness and grief to anyone who would listen. I did not know what to do with someone telling me; “I am done with you.”
How does that even work? I am still baffled. Then folks…I was angry. Oh I will leave it at that. Just spit -nails angry. And lots of prayer, SO much prayer.
Then I went to church this Sunday and they were taking communion. I thought OH NO! You know, you cannot be carrying ANYTHING against anyone in your heart when you take communion. It is a VERY serious matter. The Bible tells us that people can actually become sick and can even die from taking communion with anything between them and God. Oh serious scariness!!!!!  I felt like I had come to a cross-road. I mean I felt like I had been letting things go, ‘working’ on forgiveness, but here is what God said to my heart; there is NO ‘working’ on it, there is only releasing. He reminded me, “Look at everything I have forgiven you, you MUST be willing to do the same.” So the love of Christ compels me. I took communion and now it has become my moment by moment reminder of the deliberate decision I made to forgive. He will take care of the rest.
But still I am left with the empty space that was a friendship. The space that was taken up with what I felt sure was love and understanding in the most difficult of circumstances…..
So here is the fathomless love of Christ: He fills up the void. He gives grace to untie---on your own side---the ties that moored you to that person for so long. He gives you a desire to pray for them every day and wish them the best, but to be okay with their absence. He gives you the wind to fill up your sails and set sail. It is a miracle. How does that even happen? Eventually you begin to feel the peace that surpasses all understanding stealing up, around and over you. He gives you your emotional sea-legs again. What is the destination? Who knows? Did you ever really know that anyway? No. You just thought you would always be sailing with the same crew.
So, life looks different now, but I wish those who have let me go nothing but love, peace and blessings. I cannot fix their hurts; I truly did not know that I caused them in the first place. I am not saying that to diminish their feelings. It makes me so sad that they feel the things that they do, and they will feel what they feel. But I cannot walk around in any of that any more. So like so many other people; “I had a friendship and it is gone.” Now I am beginning to understand the matter-of-factness that comes along with a statement like that. But I also know the secret; that empty space can only be filled up with the love of the one who will always stick closer than a brother. Yeah, so I used to have this one friendship, but I don’t now….. I am sailing. Tonya Willman © 2011