Happy Thanksgiving!

     To all of you who are new to this magnificent country; those visiting, those immigrating, and those hiding in the trunk…We would like to take a moment to perform a public service and explain this glorious tradition which we call, “Thanksgiving”.
  According to Wikipedia, the absolute rock-solid source for all your information needs:  “Thanksgiving Day is a harvest festival celebrated primarily in the United States and Canada. Thanksgiving was a holiday to express thankfulness, gratitude, and appreciation to God, family and friends for which all have been blessed of material possessions and relationships. Traditionally, it has been a time to give thanks for a bountiful harvest. This holiday has since moved away from its religious roots.
     In the United States, Thanksgiving Day falls on the fourth Thursday of November. In Canada it is celebrated on the second Monday in October.
      The precise historical origin of the holiday is disputed. Although Americans commonly believe that the first Thanksgiving happened in 1621, at Plymouth Plantation, in Massachusetts, there is strong evidence for earlier celebrations in Canada (1578) and by Spanish explorers in Florida (1565).Thanksgiving Day is also celebrated in Leiden, in the Netherlands.”     As we can see, The Canadians get theirs over with earlier. Wikipedia would have us believe it is always the second Monday in October, unless it is a leap year or the Prime Minister is feeling cranky. Ours supposedly has to do with some pilgrims and Indians. We don’t know what the Canadian’s story is. We could check that out on Wikipedia too, but we don’t want to, so if you would look into it, that would be great, thanks.
    And who knew about Leiden? We suspect Wiki is just making that up. We have serious doubts that there even is a “Leiden”. All though we are fairly sure there is (are?) a Netherlands, they just sound like they should be lower on the map that’s all.
   Plus, can you believe the “Precise historical origin of the holiday is disputed.”??? Nobody shared that piece of information with us in grade school when we were tracing our hands to make turkeys and making silly hats out of construction paper and glue….Also; apparently the Spanish were Giving Thanks WAAAAY earlier down in Florida! But do they ever get any credit? Heck no! It is not like chips, salsa and quesadillas are traditional Thanksgiving Day fare. If we were the Spanish government we would write a harshly worded telegram to the President every November asking “What is up, Por favor????”
     Anyway, foreigners, here is what happens on Thanksgiving Day; Friends and families spend the day in prayer being ever-so-grateful to God for all of their blessings. Then, they dress up in their best clothes (That’s right! Just like in the commercials!) And they sit down to a beautifully adorned table that Grandma and Mom have been decorating for days: a gathering that puts Norman Rockwell to shame. (Foreigners, if you do not know who that is, look him up on Wikipedia, apparently he is famous for the Mona Lisa)
     Anyway, Dad used to have to go out and shoot the turkey himself, but no more, thanks to the magical turkey fairies! We just go and buy them straight from the store now, just as God intended; featherless, headless, with their own heart, neck and gizzard stuffed up their butts and frozen harder than a Titanic ice berg. (However; we are very suspicious of the “gizzard” and believe it is something the turkey fairies made up as a prank) So, this leaves extra time for Dad to help with all of the holiday fixins’…..just ask him! Often he will actually go and retrieve the turkey-shaped, lumpy, bowling-ball-type-thing for you, straight from the freezer!
     Traditional fare includes; homemade pies, home-grown corn and yams (which are really only sweet potatoes with an attitude) homemade rolls and freshly churned butter. And, a highly suspicious dish made from green beans and french-fried onions, which we are pretty sure the pilgrims did not enjoy----at all. After the hearty feast Americans will often sit and string dried cranberries in preparation for Christmas or whittle by the fire. Dad and the kids usually shoo Mom and Grandma out of the kitchen to do the clean-up work.
     Ha-ha foreigner, ask any American and they will tell you that we are pulling your leg! (Please adjust your Lederhosen and, or, Kilt). Oh sure, lots of families still do many of the traditional “festivities” if you count; football, two minutes of parade, interrupted by six minutes of commercials aimed at your children, causing them to shriek every few minutes, “I WANT THAT FOR CHRISTMAS!”, large quantities of malt beverages and horribly uncomfortable family arguments with relatives you avoid like the plague for the rest of the year, “traditional”.
   Also we are “joking” (big fat liars) when we spin the yarn about the men helping. Oh some will try….they will bring a plate or a bowl to the women in a puzzled manner, as though they had never set foot inside an actual kitchen before in their lives. They will even try to help “load” the dishwasher by doing it completely wrong, their eyes glued to the television as they drip gravy from the dangling plate onto their shoes. This causes the dog to follow them around in an excited manner for the rest of the day. But, since they will only be moving to the couch to groan and undo their belts, it’s a sort jaunt for Rover too.
   But, now is the time for confession dear foreign friend (we are friends, right?). The only thing “home-made” on our table this year will probably be the stains on the cloth from last year….We usually have Mrs. Smith or Sara Lee make our pies. Also; we throw away enough tinned cans in our house on Thanksgiving Day to create a metal sculpture in the town-square back in your homeland (Trust me; it won’t matter where that is.) We have actually seen butter-churns in quaint little antique shops, and laaaughed! Yes, sadly we are a fraud and a sham. Seriously, if we could afford a caterer we would dance wildly around our house, giving all kinds of thanks!
     But really the question is; are we really thankful? Do we really remember on this day where all of our blessings come from? If we remember that all good things come from the hand of God then it doesn’t matter what our feast looks like. It doesn’t even matter if our pies are home-made. Or if after dinner, Uncle Harland keeps asking all the kids to pull his finger.
    Sadly, Wikipedia was right when it stated that the holiday has moved away from its religious roots. This can be a very scary world (is that why you chose America?) and we need to remember where our blessings come from every day. We need to live in a state of gratefulness and appreciation for everything we have because it could be gone in a heartbeat. That’s what the pilgrims knew, and we are sure, the Canadians, Spanish and the Leidenians as well. Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!!!!