The domino effect of one soul leaving this earth can never be fully measured. There is no rewind. There is only forward into a strange and foreign landscape. Every one changes and relationships shift. Ugly whim-whams that were hiding in the deepest corners of each mourner’s heart surface. Everything seems to need to be redefined.
When my mother-in-law died, almost a year ago now, it profoundly changed us. Big changes have happened, some even geographical, but thousands of small; even miniscule changes have happened as well. We have always been such a tight-knit clan with a deeply held family-identity. Were these strange and disturbing changes coming anyway, or would everything have stayed status-quo without her death?
Really, no one has a time-line for grief, and since no two people react the same to loss, how do these reactions become the catalysts for such intense changes?
Our daughter-in-law really only knows us in our weirdly apocalyptical ‘Post-Elsie’ state. My son told her of, and shared his memories about a family that somehow does not exist in quite the same way anymore. And sadly, that earlier family is NOT the family that she has gotten to know. Matriarchs are absolutely familial glue. I believe that with all my heart. Women are the center of the family in so many ways. We are the heart, and warmth, and I don’t think it is too big of a statement to say that somehow the vastness of God’s love is displayed within maternal love.
When I was a little girl there was often chaos and drama, yet I always knew without a doubt, that if I had my mom everything was going to be okay. She was and is my touchstone. If we know the joy in this world of having the unconditional love of a wonderful mother then we could be a hundred years old and still want our mommies.
I do not mean to make us all sound like giant babies that need fathomless amounts of soothing and ‘mothering’; but, as we near the anniversary of Elsie’s death the changes are undeniable. What does a family come out looking like on the other side? I do not know, but I am as curious as can be. I am ready for it. May be all of these unspoken changes would have come about regardless, and if that is true then we would have benefited ever so much by having my mother-in-law and friend here to work through them with us.
But, I still say that there is no measuring the Tsunami of change that one leaves in their absence. We miss you Elsie, every day. I am at peace in knowing where you are, but I am also enough of a spoiled brat to get really mad about it sometimes too. Still, I know God understands that. You know; you wouldn’t be so missed if you had not done such an amazing job as a mother, grandmother, friend and human being. Love you dear, I’ll be seeing you. Tonya Willman ©2011
When my mother-in-law died, almost a year ago now, it profoundly changed us. Big changes have happened, some even geographical, but thousands of small; even miniscule changes have happened as well. We have always been such a tight-knit clan with a deeply held family-identity. Were these strange and disturbing changes coming anyway, or would everything have stayed status-quo without her death?
Really, no one has a time-line for grief, and since no two people react the same to loss, how do these reactions become the catalysts for such intense changes?
Our daughter-in-law really only knows us in our weirdly apocalyptical ‘Post-Elsie’ state. My son told her of, and shared his memories about a family that somehow does not exist in quite the same way anymore. And sadly, that earlier family is NOT the family that she has gotten to know. Matriarchs are absolutely familial glue. I believe that with all my heart. Women are the center of the family in so many ways. We are the heart, and warmth, and I don’t think it is too big of a statement to say that somehow the vastness of God’s love is displayed within maternal love.
When I was a little girl there was often chaos and drama, yet I always knew without a doubt, that if I had my mom everything was going to be okay. She was and is my touchstone. If we know the joy in this world of having the unconditional love of a wonderful mother then we could be a hundred years old and still want our mommies.
I do not mean to make us all sound like giant babies that need fathomless amounts of soothing and ‘mothering’; but, as we near the anniversary of Elsie’s death the changes are undeniable. What does a family come out looking like on the other side? I do not know, but I am as curious as can be. I am ready for it. May be all of these unspoken changes would have come about regardless, and if that is true then we would have benefited ever so much by having my mother-in-law and friend here to work through them with us.
But, I still say that there is no measuring the Tsunami of change that one leaves in their absence. We miss you Elsie, every day. I am at peace in knowing where you are, but I am also enough of a spoiled brat to get really mad about it sometimes too. Still, I know God understands that. You know; you wouldn’t be so missed if you had not done such an amazing job as a mother, grandmother, friend and human being. Love you dear, I’ll be seeing you. Tonya Willman ©2011
The best of the best because you are knocking on my heart. My mom died three years ago this past Saturday and you are so correct- the mother is the glue that holds the family together. The only problem is I am now the glue and I still get unglued by memories of better days, big gatherings, phones ringing, going out to lunch - oh so many things too numerous to write down which is exactly what I have been doing today. Sitting here just writing down memories long before I knew you had a new post. Strange how our minds often cross the same intersection on the same day. Gordo says what's wrong -- I could talk all day and he still wouldn't get it -- they are just not made that way. Gord was a good parent to both his children when their mom left, but I see what they missed in not having a mother. They would be much softer and much more loving and know how to give and receive love. Hugs and kisses to you. I needed this today even if it is making me cry. Love ya, T. P3F
ReplyDeleteOh my Sue! God is such a master of giving us what we need, even with the tears. How we miss them! But, they are probably having some coffee together right now...we will hold them again...Love you, T~~~
ReplyDeleteA beautiful tribute, Tonya. Although adjusting to life without my spouse is very different, we share a profound level of emotion and loss and yes, we are forever changed without them! I am happy for you that you shared such a love relationship with your mother-in-law. Not a luxury that all get to experience. Can't help but be a little jealous of my sweetheart at times; face to face with the lover of our souls! What bliss for them! Looking forward to my bear hug someday! Much love, Renee'
ReplyDeleteThank you Renee. I cannot begin to know, but I lift you up, and I am with ya! We will behold the Lover of Our Souls. Oh what a beautiful thought. Thank you so much! T
ReplyDeleteThat was Beautiful,and so true.
ReplyDeleteAfter the loss of My Mother-in-Law, Sister and Father, all in one year, has left a void in ours lives that can never be filled.
Kim, it is just too much sometimes. I keep you in my prayers and thoughts all the time. God's blessings my friend. T
ReplyDeleteElsie would be so pleased! Lovely words for a lovely woman.
ReplyDeleteI realized I feel the same way about my parents divorce like you do about Elsie's death. It was a death of a family and my family was never the same.
Your post also caused me to ponder about my Grandmothers and how they must have felt when they lost their mommies. Having only known both of them as just MY Grandma it never occurred to me that they must have grieved horribly.
ReplyDeleteSome people make a bigger impact when they leave this earth, leaving a gap in the lives of those left behind. Elsie was one of those people.
I think it also brings you into a different phase of your life, as I have seen with Rubes passing. Kevin is now the male head of the family. He is no longer his daddy's boy, he is the Grandpa and the Dad. You realize your time on earth is fleeting.....
Oh my friend, you are so right. We just move right up to the head of the line, don't we? But, thank you Jesus, that is okay. Still, it doesn't matter, you feel orphaned. I can completely relate about your feelings from your parent's divorce. Still the hardest has to be, for you, your mom's passing, yes? I cannot even think about it!!! (big fat baby that I am!!!) Love you ever so, T
ReplyDeleteMy mom was sick for so long. She was on dialysis, had congestive heart failure, TIA's and strokes. So there is a sense of sadness yet, such a happiness for her to be free of her pain. I think the hardest emotionally for me is Joshua's heart surgery and then stroke.
ReplyDeleteOh Jules. That is such agony. I am so glad that he is doing well now. God bless your spirit!!!! Tonya~~
ReplyDelete