HIGH-TECH-HUMILITY

     Just as prunes are nature’s way of saying, “Have a seat…” and major plumbing failures are the Universe’s way of saying, “What? You really thought that six hundred dollars belonged to you?”; gadgets, gizmos, and all the latest technology is the World’s way of saying, “Don’t even think about it, Old Lady….”
     Oh sure, you watch 13-year-olds texting in a lightning-fast manner and using cutting-edge phones with the skills and precision of a brain surgeon, and it lures you into thinking; ‘why not me?’ Pardon me while I bark out a bitter and derisive cackle. Why? I’ll tell you why--if you are; a.) Forgetful,  b.) Old enough to remember the first man on the moon,  and-or, c.)Interested in the role that green-leafy vegetables play in your diet in terms of either anti-aging OR fiber, then chances are you will find yourself as skilled at these high-tech phones (which will even do your taxes…..seriously) as your dog is at thumb-wars….
    I speak from humiliating personal experience. I actually own a little pay-as-you-need-it cell phone. It makes phone calls and even texts (though I do not). It has voice mail and a calendar (which I don’t use, and why should I? I have a perfectly good one hanging up in my kitchen) Really, I just call people and they answer. I speak into it and then close the little flip-front when we are through speaking. Hand-to-God; I thought I was cool.
     Come on! I own a laptop! I have the current “Bill-Party-Animal-Gates-Micro-Stuff”…..I have even sat smugly as others have said, “How do you know how to do all this?” And of course by others I mean my mother. And, get ready….I have mastered my own MP3 player! I have helped barely comprehensible Pakistani tech-support teams fix funky little ‘glitches’ in my computer as well as complete crashes. (And yes I know they were Pakistani because I flat out asked them, I am NOT profiling!) I have even upgraded and installed more memory into an ancient computer we had prior to the newest one.
    Still, I found out that I knew absolutely nothing! I strode in to the phone store with badly misplaced confidence. Again, I have seen fast-food employees that could not count out my change without getting a read-out from the register, using their awesomely shiny phones to text AND check their emails with one hand and pick their nose with the other. I mean how hard could it be? As it turned out; Hard.
      Touching all the pretty screens, and looking at all the different “Apps” that were possible, left me breathless. I have many Face Book friends who are always sending pictures and texts from their phones. They gaily update me about their latest adventures; funny pictures from stores and stirring drives with gorgeous sunsets; making my life all the richer. I now hate them. I laughingly told the nice phone store girl that I was ‘pretty new to it all’, so I would need a user-friendly, touch-screen, kind of phone….thingy…..
     I will not tell you what I chose, however; it was NOT a Droid or BlackBerry. BUT, no matter. It was waaaaay too much phone for me! It could do everything! I think I could have tapped into the CIA’s system if I could have just understood it all! I probably could have actually dialed Obama directly if I had taken the time to hang out around the Taco-Bell. But, alas…I did not. I am a quitter, an OLD quitter.     
     My daughter kept showing me the same things over and over. She was patient. She would have remained patient. She never rolled her eyes once. I would say, “Wait, wait….touch what? Now do what with this? Okay, so where was that (bad word) place I was supposed to go again?” She would show me another time, with a bright; “See Mom, easy.” Or “See! You’re getting it…..” Increasingly, I became more agitated than a cranky, hyper child, hopped-up on Hershey Bars and bereft of behavioral meds.
     The final straw and the thing that sealed my buyer’s remorse was…… (Ominous music) The Cost. I was actually paying more, and as it turned out after many a fee; a lot more, on my phone plan to feel like Grog-itha the cave-woman trying to understand the basics of say fire, or the wheel…I returned the phone, (and tragically for my daughter, the companion phone as well.) and undid the extremely complicated (for me) calling-text-nights & weekends-picture-messaging-WITH-internet-roll-over-and-bite-me minutes…each feature just a wee bit more of a fee, plus tax on the monthly service plan.
      Oh Lord!   When I walked out of that phone store with my refund receipt for the phones (which were really free, AFTER the rebate, so why not just give me the freaking phones already???) I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of me. I gently fondled my little silver pay-as-you-go phone and whimpered, “Hello, old friend.” It was a very good moment and really, how can you put a price on that? Tonya Willman ©2011