EPIC HALLOWEEN FAIL!!!

Halloween is always such an interesting evening. I know that you cannot hear the actual irony in that statement, but trust me it is dripping from every word. I loved it as a child and had fun with it when my kids were young. Then I went through a time when I felt that its origins were too dark for my faith and broke my children’s hearts by not letting them go out. They were older anyway, so I compromised and let them dress up and pass out the candy.
The bribe was that they could keep any of the candy that was left over. They were thrilled; (more irony, in case it alluded you). Plus, they turned into Scrooge McDuck. If they could have given out actual individual candy molecules they would have.
When our youngest one got old enough, Bill came and asked me as a personal favor to him to let our little guy go out. Little man looked so freaking cute in his Proto-Clown outfit from Pre-School that I folded like a cheap tent. My older children are bitter to this day…..
Well I told you all of that to tell you this.
My resolve continued to stay the consistency of Jello in the matter and so we just give out candy every year, as long as I can give out a Halloween riddle/joke tract with it. I am the queen of compromise! The problem is that every year we only have a smattering of trick-or-treaters. Last year I think there were only two. Of course we always have the prerequisite giant trick-or-treaters that come late. They are big, with deep bass voices and in need of shaves. They just randomly smear stuff on their faces to count as costumes and they shove big California-King sized pillow cases at you. Their voices sound like a cross between Darth Vader and Barry White as they demand what they know you will eagerly give. The unspoken threat of egg-goo and TP lingers heavily in the air, along with their after-shave.
Well, this year I somehow lost my mind….I completely forgot that we barely have any children show up. There have been lots of new kids in the neighborhood, so I was hopeful that they were not all at a parent/school sponsored “safe” party…You know how those can screw things up! We had Nestlé’s Crunches and Tootsie Rolls and the tracts all ready.
I don’t know why but something came over me. I decided I needed a ‘costume’. But, I didn’t want to be uncomfortable, so I used my best “lounging” dress ( I refuse to call it a house dress!); red paisley, and I ratted my hair high and wide! I used tons of wax and spray until a force-5 hurricane would have had no effect. I painted my stubby nails black and put on lots of dark trashy make up. I coaxed out my cheek bones. They tend to hide under the padding, but through the magic of make-up, waaa-laaa, there they were! I Put on dangly red ruby earrings and tucked a bright silver headband in my hair to make it stand up even better! And I painted my lips as ruby red as I could get them with the lipstick I have. I was stunning. I was Mrs. Roper on crack! (If you are too young to get the Mrs. Roper reference…..too bad!) I waited…no kids.
So, I made grilled cheese. It was yummy, but I had also eaten off all of my lipstick and forgot to reapply it. Hubby stayed up with me for a while. (After allowing himself one laugh, he held his tongue, he is a strong man) I even watched the live ‘Ghost Hunters’ Special. It was like watching paint dry. Hubby went to bed and youngest son, now 20, was in and out, alternately watching stuff in his room. He offered very little help at all when children actually did come, causing the dogs to believe they were protecting us from the Nazis.
I had a princess come… adorable, and a little fireman who was so realistic, I almost asked him to check the wiring. Then a couple of non-descript, generic little kids who rivaled Charlie brown in their plainness. And of course the big giant, pillow-case wielding, aftershave (possibly patchouli) drenched goobers.
 Well, as they say, “The evening wore on” and I became bitter that no one noticed MY costume! Then I realized the bright red lipstick had tragically been eaten off. Maybe with the raccoon eyes and wild hair, I just looked really ill. I did notice the couple of mothers who came with their children edging carefully out of the gate. But, they had nice big smiles plastered on their faces. Oh, I don’t know, maybe the kids were just too hopped-up on sugar to notice.
So I trailed around here and did my stretches. I had a leg flipped up over the chair arm, and was stretching towards it when the little fireman and his mom came. They left quickly….
I channel surfed and came upon a Discovery Health Channel show that looked kind of interesting. It was called “100 orgasms a day” Apparently these women are tragically afflicted with a medical condition that causes this. I was curious from a scientific stand point, and it was the Health channel after all, but I passed for several reasons because; A.) I feared the wrath of God. B.) My youngest son kept wandering in and out and C.) I have a glass pane in my front door. All I could picture was some poor child peeking in and seeing me sitting there looking like Beetle Juice, watching this informative yet inappropriate show. It could have put the kid into therapy forever.
 To be fair, it seemed like they were just going to talk about it all in a very scientific way and show nothing unseemly, but I just couldn’t take the chance. PLUS, you have to ask yourself; would I watch this with Jesus sitting here??? Obviously the answer is in the question.  And speaking of questions; I had a few things I really wondered about on that show too. Like what if the affliction should come upon them in, say, the DMV?  Oh well it is all for the best. Ignorance is bliss you know.
So I finally just turned off the porch light and went and scrubbed the wax out of my hair and all the make-up off and I informed my family that this is totally IT!!! THE last time. Lights out--curtains pulled. And something in the DVD player with happy bunnies and squirrels that don’t even hint at orgasms. This was the most EPIC HALLOWEEN FAIL EVER!!!!

Tonya Willman ©2010