Random Brain Droppings or Creatively Unusual Advice.

*If you think that it cannot be done, good call! It can’t, especially if you want to, say, climb the Eiffel Tower. They have terribly strict rules. The Gendarmes will be all over you like a Christmas ham. Also if you think you cannot go over Niagara Falls in a barrel you are correct again. If you feel sure that breaching the walls of Brad Pitt’s home and claiming to be Angelina Jolie won’t work, once more you are spot on. However; if you believe any of this is remotely do-able, you are a fool. But go ahead and try. It will make great headlines; which will take the World’s attention (at least momentarily) off of the constant dreariness of Paris, or Lindsey, or Lady Ga Ga, or Justin the Beibler Elf, or Dancing with the Washed-Up-Has-Been-Last-Chance-for-15-More-Minutes-Of-Fame-Stars.It will be a blessed relief for the rest of us. Do try.
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 *If it runs away from you do not chase it. It doesn’t like you, and who wants something like that around anyway? Unless, of course, it is a toddler, and then we suppose you must….
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*If it has been opened for more than a few days and smells strange…it is. It will do peculiar and unusual things to your digestive tract that will be like teeny-tiny Hiroshima bombs going off at random intervals in your bowels. The pain will not be a happy memory and the sweet and sour (if in fact that is what it was) is just not worth it. Toss it out immediately.
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* If you cannot locate your car keys, someone has hidden them from you. It is not your fault, even if you live alone. There are full-time Key Sprites that do nothing but misplace keys all day. They are not allowed to actually steal them. If they do they will be banished to where all of the single socks go that the dryer eats. Simply ask yourself; if I was a Key Sprite where would I hide them???? The logic of it will set in and it will be as simple as a walk in the park. You can gaily check all of the oddest places; in the freezer, under the dog’s water dish or in the hamper… These are Just a few of the childish places they put them. Be adventurous, you will find them every time!
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* If you are driving on the freeway and pass a full cattle truck do you look away so that you don’t have to see them? Do you pretend that they are being shipped to lovely pastures and being used only as dairy divas? We do. Then do you go have a hamburger for lunch? We do. We think it is really sick. Yet we do love a good burger or steak. Why can’t tofu or mushrooms really taste that good? Oh sure they say they do; “Just try THIS recipe” they say….And by “they” we mean sickly, skinny, vegan fibbers! The sad fact is; cows are delicious! Oh the irony.
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*If you think it is wrong to have acne and wrinkles at the same time we suggest you write your congressperson immediately and demand action. We do not see why they cannot appropriate the much needed funds, when they can get them as easily as falling down the stairs, for, say, pork belly futures.
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*If you MUST go back and look inside the blue U.S. mail box on the corner just to make sure that your letter really slipped all the way down; then you will most likely also feel the need to sniff your outlets when you smell unexplained smoke, even if it’s clearly coming from outside. Even if it’s midnight and you just got up to pee. You will start out sleepy, but by the time you have sniffed and sniffed you will be wide awake and your knees will be covered with dust bunnies from the search. But you cannot help it and that is okay. So since you are wide awake, feel free to surf the cable channels and find all of the crazed infomercials to enjoy. But, have your credit card handy, because you know you will order something. And just think; all you were going to do was pee……
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*If you use your answering machine to screen calls, but then your child, unbeknownst to you, picks up the extension and brings it to you just as you hiss “SHH! Everybody let the machine pick up!” then congratulations! You are experiencing a 9.5 on the ‘Awkward Scale’! A 10 would actually be breaking wind in a store aisle when you thought no one was around, but alas you look up to see your Pastor, and his wife coming around the corner. And they will have to know it is you because you took great pains to make sure you were alone on said aisle before you let go. We are sorry but we have no helpful advice for either situation. But please write and let us know what happened because we are very interested.
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*If you are in the Super Market in your holey sweat pants with flat hair and no makeup and a fresh zit on your chin, and you spot an old school mate (whom you avoided even back then) who looks like someone actually stood there, as you watched, and air-brushed 10 years off of her even as she entered the produce section…run like the wind. Even if it means darting into the butcher’s meat cutting room. Yes, even if it means having to belly crawl through the pig lips and fat trimmings….Above all, never let her see you! If they throw you out just as she is passing by then we can only offer you two words: Move away…yes it is that dire. Your best friends may try to joke you out of it. Do not let them. Your best bet is to call the government and inquire about the witness relocation program. It is either that; or banging your head repeatedly against your refrigerator so hard that you lose your memory completely…We never said we were here to make you feel better.
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* If you are a woman out in public, say at the mall, just walking along minding your own business, possibly enjoying all of the 'mohawks' and ‘muffins’ and suddenly the worst disaster you can think of happens: Yes! That’s right, the tragic flipping of the panty-liner! The unspoken bane of a woman’s life! The unmentionable, yet agonizing thing we do not discuss. Then…what to do? Leaping straight into the air and yelping may be your first inclination. But it will only draw attention to the painful mincing steps you must take as you try to make it to the ladies room, which will always be clear across the mall. And possibly even on a different level. We would like to take a poll and find out why women freely discuss, in front of men; the 27 hours of labor, the dilation, crowning and afterbirth, but will not even mention the panty-liner flip. Do not be ashamed ladies. Our advice is to just reach down and fix it right there on the spot! Major league baseball players do this all the time! Seriously. They do it even if they don’t really need to. Adjusting themselves appears to be just a part of the game; like spitting and ‘high-fiving’. Although based on where those hands have been, I myself would refrain from the High-five ritual. Anyways ladies a new day has dawned. There is no shame. So be free. Just do not offer us a hearty handshake as a thank you.
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*If you find yourself reading unusual columns which offer you startling and frankly juvenile advice, or in some cases no help at all, you should rejoice. It is refreshing and, really, aren’t you tired of the same old dull, tired points of view from the so called “Women’s magazines”? Don’t these magazines just make you want to hurl them about wildly in the checkout line? They either have lame article titles such as ‘12 ways to rework your leftover kielbasa’ and ‘Easy-breezy meals on just 1.00 a day, or how to reconstitute 2 year old fruitcake bricks.’ These pitiful periodicals are always next to the ones that embarrass you just for even glancing at them. They always have heaving women dressed in styles that would make Doctor Ruth blush, with articles like (and we just saw this) ‘Six easy ways to get his pants off’. Ladies, this is no difficult trick-- Not to worry, you are wasting hard earned cash there! One quick, whispered suggestion and you could probably get him to do that very thing right in the middle of the Wal-Mart. No ladies stick with the unusual. Stick with the blog that makes you say; “Why! This is so ludicrous…it just might work!!!”
                                                  Tonya L. Willman ©2010