Dear AARP.
Thank you for the lovely letter. Imagine my surprise at finding it in my mailbox when I had been expecting my ‘Hair Bands of the 80’s—Pure Rock, vol.2’ CD. It was just like finding a bright shiny quarter when you are looking for the twenty dollar bill you misplaced!
I am so sorry I didn’t get to open it sooner, since it was the elephant in the room, you would have thought I’d have gotten right to it. But once I opened it, it was just like Christmas morning as a child!
First (for just the low price of $16.00 one dollar bills) I got my shiny new laminated card that does, in fact, tell the world that I am eligible for the senior coffee at Micky D’s! And ALSO, I was stunned, so much more…..!
Like: “Community Programs and Services” Translation: Meals-on-Wheels, and valuable discounts at the “Scooter Store”
“A Spokesperson for your rights.” Translation: My own lobbyist in D.C. threatening a Ben-Gay enema, and slippers full of Polident to all legislators who will not comply with my demands! This could be fun, but since I won’t see any Social Security until it has been completely flushed down the governmental crapper by everyone before me, I just can’t get too excited.
“Access to health-related benefits” Translation: One pair of Mr. Magoo glasses yearly, all the adult diapers I can store. Diabetic testing supplies, even if I don’t need them. (They make great hand-crafted gift items!), And Home-Delivery of all the above items, in discreet packaging, with brightly colored lettering for the UPS man to showcase on my front porch!
“Access to Financial Programs.” Translation: WAIT- I see as part of this package that you will (seriously) insure my motorcycle! Please hold, while I laugh until someone takes pity and comes to wipe the drool away. Every kind of insurance available is listed here, except …Death, I mean Life Insurance. Is this your stab at irony???? We are not amused.
“”Discounts on Travel.” Translation: Valuable coupons for the Senior’s Cruises on The Princess Anastasia Cruise liners. The itineraries including, Shuffleboard, duck, duck, GOOSE, All the soup you can eat, Rousing games of Denture Swap, with hilarious pictures posted on Facebook, Water Aerobics with Sven (arm floaties required) Seminars with subjects such as; “Dealing with hearing loss, “NO! I SAID ACUTE ANGINA, NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!)” “The Movie Cocoon; fact or fantasy?” “How to dress up your walker for the holidays” and “Seven foods to avoid if you would like to avoid being turned inside out.”
PLUS!!! AS A BONUS! The invaluable AARP monthly magazine, to be proudly displayed on your coffee table in a fan-shaped presentation!
Oh look! I even have my own authorization code…..Dear AARP, I will decline at present, thank you for these valuable offers, but I am still trying to figure out what Victoria’s secret actually is….plus, I haven’t even begun to work all the way through my Buns of Steel video…. So with all due respect, AUTHORIZE THIS!
Sincerely, Tonya Willman
Tonya Willman ©2010
FYI Tonya, I've used my AARP card many times! ;-) Hang on, my nurse is here. I'll talk with you later. Love, J-
ReplyDeleteAARP is stalking me! They are the Raisin Police and they come after you like you're a Christmas ham! I long for the days when Ed McMahon never used to leave me alone!!!
ReplyDeleteThat made me laugh tenfold. Love it. You have a knack for humor!
ReplyDeleteThanks my Tessa!!! Love ya!
ReplyDeleteDo me a huge favor, Tonya, and send this to AARP. They are so annoying, I would not join even if I were old enough!!!!!!!! They are one of the top ten scourages of the earth ahead of Leprosy. I would rather have my dermatologist perform the Anti-Aging Treatment Program on me. Thank you very much.
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