So, I said I would blog about turning 50. I said I would call it 50 and fabulous! You know what; I say a lot of things….. It turns out 50 feels a lot like 49.99999, except with more bloat. Seriously.
I am not saying that I do not have the best family in the world, I do. I am not saying that we didn’t all set out to have a swell day, we did. But somewhere along the way, and I feel sure I know exactly where that point was, things plummeted south like an earth-bound meteorite.
We drove to Yreka for lunch, a little shopping and a little walk around the pond at Greenhorn Park. I chose a great restaurant for lunch (my day, my choice). Unfortunately it turns out it was packed out; apparently by the “Royal Order of-Trash Tonya’s Birthday-Club” (ROTTBC, Lodge #324). So we went to my second choice, which shall remain nameless because it really probably wasn’t their fault. Plus, the elderly little waitress was very nice and brought me a complimentary piece of carrot cake with a candle in it!
So my first mistake was to choose the salad bar---on my birthday!!!--- When what I really wanted was pastrami on sourdough with kraut, a pickle, thousand island and a few fries. Well, here is something I already knew, without being too personal: lettuce in most salad bars makes Tonya unwell, and by unwell I mean; it is as though live, extremely playful, squirrels are frolicking through my bowels. I am sure it is caused by whatever they put on the lettuce to keep it from turning that unappetizing rusty brown.
Now, here is where I may have made my tragic mistake, I thought; this is such a homey little restaurant, not one of those big buffet chains. Aaaaaaaaah it’ll be fine! This was actually accompanied by the*dismissive hand gesture* and everything. Why, I’ll make the healthy choice, I thought!
Those of you familiar with the literary device of foreshadowing have already surmised the outcome. Usually within less than a half an hour after I have eaten any lettuce that has been given the ‘treatment’ I begin to feel the cold-clammy-sweats coming on, followed by the happy, playful bowel squirrels, followed by the urgent need for a restroom.
Well, it just went off like clockwork!!! Fittingly enough we were in Wal-Mart when it all came down. (No pun intended). We all always split up in the wonder that is Wal-Mart, because much like Disneyland, there is just too much to see! So, not wanting to spoil all the fun for the fam, I uneasily set off by myself. I managed approximately 4.5 minutes of shopping, after that it is pretty much all a blur with much scurrying on my part
After the initial storm broke I managed to find a bench to rest on as I perspired freely. I actually had sweet little clerks coming up to me asking me if I was okay and offering to bring me water! I kept saying, with the brightest and probably the most sickliest smile I could muster, “No, no, I’m fine really.” which would cause them to scurry away in a worried manner.
My only thought was to find my family. I imagine it was a bit like being lost on the streets of Calcutta with a case of the Curry-Crud, thinking “Dear Lord, if I could just find someone who understands me…” Well, lo-and-behold there they were! My Bee-u-ti-ful family! They had been looking for me as well, since I had been gone long enough for a quick perusal of War and Peace.
God bless ‘em, they know the look and went straight into action. My son walked with me out to the car and my husband and daughter got everything paid for. Tragically, all I had gotten the time to pick out for myself before everything… hit the fan, and here the irony is exquisite, was a new hairbrush and some Metamucil wafers!!!!!
So, no walk in the park. No slow meandering back-road ride home. My husband pretty much got me home as fast as a pukey prom date! But the good news is; this malady wears off in just a few hours or so, yay. And after I gulped mass quantities of Alka-Seltzer and rested with the heating pad on my stomach, we did play Farkle (an awesome dice game) and watch some season 5 of Criminal Minds. My son snorked most of the planned pizza dinner and My husband tried to stay awake as long as he could. I myself pondered the wonders of turning 50 and decided that it is not as great as my older friends have been making it out to be. I also definitely decided to abandon all healthy choices from this point on!
I am not saying that I do not have the best family in the world, I do. I am not saying that we didn’t all set out to have a swell day, we did. But somewhere along the way, and I feel sure I know exactly where that point was, things plummeted south like an earth-bound meteorite.
We drove to Yreka for lunch, a little shopping and a little walk around the pond at Greenhorn Park. I chose a great restaurant for lunch (my day, my choice). Unfortunately it turns out it was packed out; apparently by the “Royal Order of-Trash Tonya’s Birthday-Club” (ROTTBC, Lodge #324). So we went to my second choice, which shall remain nameless because it really probably wasn’t their fault. Plus, the elderly little waitress was very nice and brought me a complimentary piece of carrot cake with a candle in it!
So my first mistake was to choose the salad bar---on my birthday!!!--- When what I really wanted was pastrami on sourdough with kraut, a pickle, thousand island and a few fries. Well, here is something I already knew, without being too personal: lettuce in most salad bars makes Tonya unwell, and by unwell I mean; it is as though live, extremely playful, squirrels are frolicking through my bowels. I am sure it is caused by whatever they put on the lettuce to keep it from turning that unappetizing rusty brown.
Now, here is where I may have made my tragic mistake, I thought; this is such a homey little restaurant, not one of those big buffet chains. Aaaaaaaaah it’ll be fine! This was actually accompanied by the*dismissive hand gesture* and everything. Why, I’ll make the healthy choice, I thought!
Those of you familiar with the literary device of foreshadowing have already surmised the outcome. Usually within less than a half an hour after I have eaten any lettuce that has been given the ‘treatment’ I begin to feel the cold-clammy-sweats coming on, followed by the happy, playful bowel squirrels, followed by the urgent need for a restroom.
Well, it just went off like clockwork!!! Fittingly enough we were in Wal-Mart when it all came down. (No pun intended). We all always split up in the wonder that is Wal-Mart, because much like Disneyland, there is just too much to see! So, not wanting to spoil all the fun for the fam, I uneasily set off by myself. I managed approximately 4.5 minutes of shopping, after that it is pretty much all a blur with much scurrying on my part
After the initial storm broke I managed to find a bench to rest on as I perspired freely. I actually had sweet little clerks coming up to me asking me if I was okay and offering to bring me water! I kept saying, with the brightest and probably the most sickliest smile I could muster, “No, no, I’m fine really.” which would cause them to scurry away in a worried manner.
My only thought was to find my family. I imagine it was a bit like being lost on the streets of Calcutta with a case of the Curry-Crud, thinking “Dear Lord, if I could just find someone who understands me…” Well, lo-and-behold there they were! My Bee-u-ti-ful family! They had been looking for me as well, since I had been gone long enough for a quick perusal of War and Peace.
God bless ‘em, they know the look and went straight into action. My son walked with me out to the car and my husband and daughter got everything paid for. Tragically, all I had gotten the time to pick out for myself before everything… hit the fan, and here the irony is exquisite, was a new hairbrush and some Metamucil wafers!!!!!
So, no walk in the park. No slow meandering back-road ride home. My husband pretty much got me home as fast as a pukey prom date! But the good news is; this malady wears off in just a few hours or so, yay. And after I gulped mass quantities of Alka-Seltzer and rested with the heating pad on my stomach, we did play Farkle (an awesome dice game) and watch some season 5 of Criminal Minds. My son snorked most of the planned pizza dinner and My husband tried to stay awake as long as he could. I myself pondered the wonders of turning 50 and decided that it is not as great as my older friends have been making it out to be. I also definitely decided to abandon all healthy choices from this point on!
Tonya Willman ©2010
My precious Tonya,
ReplyDeleteWhen we fight against nature, we lose. By that I mean, if you wanted pastrami and kraut, you should have had it. We are 50+. We've earned the pastrami and kraut, etc. Of course, that's not your best choice on a daily basis, but permit yourself to have a blast. Fifty may have gotten off to a challenging start, but it will just get better from here... when you start listening to the giggling voice within. ;-)
Love,
J-
You are so right my friend!!!! I plan to have that exact order the next time I head up there, and in my #1 chice of restaraunt!!! LOL. It was a lesson learned on my 50th. You never ever stop learning, how cool is that????
ReplyDeleteP.S. The only time the giggling voice within really worries me is in the middle of the night, or when I am letting the dogs out for their last pee-pee of the night...THen is is just SO annoying! Tee Hee, also *chortle snort*
ReplyDeleteCurry-Crud? LOL. That is awesome. Turning 50 is the equivalent of reaching 50 miles per hour on the highway; it's a sweet cruising speed, you're moving forward and... hey, your blinker is on. Love ya Mom. -Dennis
ReplyDeleteLOL, so true son, and I REFUSE to get outta the left hand lane! Love Mom~~
ReplyDeleteTonya i am so sorry about what happened on your birthday but i know everything will move forward from this point on. The bad is behind you hahaha.. But one thing through this is your family is AWESOME.. They love you very much:)Happy 50th my sweet friend <3
ReplyDelete:) smile
Thanks Deb!Love you! :)
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI to have an aversion to salad bars and veggies that are set out for an undetermined amount of time. I have gotten sick 4 times on Subway. I don't believe it is what they put ON the veggies. I believe it is the bacteria that grows ON the veggies in salad bar type environments. My last Subway experience involved Christmas and a 22 hour car ride home. Unfortunately I am not sick for a few hours more like a few days. Hence, I very,very rarely even order a salad in a restaurant.
Big Lesson always, always eat what your heart truly desires on your birthday unless, it is a salad bar or Subway.
Love you friend.
"Always eat what your heart truly desires..." This is my new motto and not just on my birthday and not vast quantities, but, what your heart desires! Lovely and so true!
ReplyDelete