DEAR OBNOXIOUS LITTLE OLD MAN AT THE RED LOBSTER,

DEAR OBNOXIOUS LITTLE OLD MAN AT THE RED LOBSTER RESTAURANT;

       SINCE YOU FELT COMPELLED TO DELIBERATELY COME AND INSULT ME AT MY OWN BOOTH AFTER YOU HAD FINISHED YOUR MEAL, I THOUGHT I WOULD TAKE A MOMENT OUT OF MY DAY TO SHARE SOME TIMELESS OBSERVATIONS WITH YOU. FIRST THOUGH, LET ME PREFACE THIS LETTER WITH THE NEWS THAT IT IS A GOOD THING THAT I HAVE ALREADY WRITTEN A PIECE IN MY BLOG ENTITLED; “HEALTHY FORGIVENESS” SO I DO. I MEAN I DO FORGIVE YOU. EVEN THOUGH AT TIMES I MIGHT SEEM A LITTLE HARSH, ALMOST AS IF I DIDN’T. THIS IS NOT TRUE. I DO. FORGIVE YOU, I MEAN---

1.)    JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE OLD DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO STUMP ACROSS AN EATING ESTABLISHMENT AND MAKE PERSONAL REMARKS ABOUT  A PERSON’S FOOD CONSUMPTION OR THEIR SIZE. THIS IS UNSEEMLY AND IN SOME PLACES CAN END UP IN LARGE AMOUNTS OF BODILY HARM. I AM SURPRISED YOU HAVE NOT FIGURED THIS OUT BY NOW. I SAW THE SCARS, HAS AGE TAUGHT YOU NOTHING?

2.)    JUST BECAUSE YOU TRY TO WRAP THE INSULT IN AN AMUSING SIDE STORY OR A HEARTY LAUGH MAKES NO DIFFERENCE. RUDE IS RUDE.

3.)    JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE CANNOT COME BACK WITH AN IMMEDIATELY WITHERING RESPONSE, AND FINDS THEMSELVES LAUGHING IN EMBARRASSMENT AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE PRODUCED A WITTY BON- MOTT THAT YOU CAN USE AT-WILL IN ANY EATING ESTABLISHMENT OF YOUR CHOICE. IT WAS NOT FUNNY.

4.)    IF YOU PAUSE AS YOU WALK AWAY, POSSIBLY REALIZING THAT YOU WENT BEYOND THE PALE, AND THEN RETURN TO TELL, WHAT I BELIEVE YOU THOUGHT WAS A FILTHY JOKE ABOUT YOU, YOUR POODLE AND SOME WOMEN AT THE MALL, IT DOES NOT HELP. STOP IT! HOW CAN THAT POSSIBLY MAKE IT ANY BETTER?

5.)    PERHAPS YOU HAVE ALWAYS HAD THE SOCIAL GRACES OF A WILDEBEEST, WHO CAN KNOW? MAYBE YOU THINK THAT NOW THAT YOU ARE ANCIENT YOUR DAY TO BE UGLY AND CALL IT ‘ECCENTRIC’ HAS FINALLY COME. WELL IT HASN’T! ALSO YOUR SHIRT WAS HANGING OUT ON ONE SIDE!

6.)    THE IRONY OF YOUR SLOWNESS AS YOU STOPPED TO INFLICT EVEN MORE WITTY BANTER ON THE BELEAGUERED HOSTESS WHILE LEAVING, AND MY SWIFTNESS TO LEAVE THE SITE OF MY OWN HUMILIATION, CAUSING ANOTHER ENCOUNTER IN WHICH YOU ALMOST BACKED IN TO ME WITH YOUR HONDA  IS NOT LOST ON ME. HOWEVER I FEEL QUITE SURE THAT YOU WERE COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS. THAT MUST FEEL NICE.

7.)    IN THE FUTURE YOU MAY WANT TO BRING A CARE GIVER ALONG, PAID EXPRESSLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF TELLING YOU WHEN YOU HAVE WENT TOO FREAKING FAR!!!!

8.)    PERHAPS YOU HAVE READ THE POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER AND NOT CARING AND WEARING PURPLE AND ALL OF THE GRANDIOSE FEEL-GOOD NONSENSE IT CONTAINS TO TRY AND MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE THEY TRULY ARE IN THEIR ‘GOLDEN YEARS,’ BUT YOU KNOW ONLY TOO WELL THAT THIS IS SO MUCH TREACLY SENTIMENT, AND SO YOU USE YOUR PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE JOVIALITY TO SPREAD AS MUCH MISERY AS POSSIBLE.  ALL I CAN SAY IS YOUR POOR LITTLE ‘SERVER’ WAS CERTAINLY RELIEVED WHEN YOU LEFT.

9.)   FINALLY, PERHAPS AS SOME KIND OF RECONCILIATION, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT IF YOU WERE GOING TO STEP OUT IN FRONT OF A SPEEDING CAR, I WOULD WARN YOU.  IF YOU WERE GOING TO MISS A STAIR, I WOULD CATCH YOU, AND IF IT EVEN REMOTELY LOOKED LIKE, IN ANY WAY, THAT YOU WERE CHOKING, EVEN IF YOU WERE ONLY IN A MILD SPASM OF LAUGHTER AT YOUR OWN WIT, I WOULD HAPPILY PERFORM THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER ON YOU! AND I MEAN THAT SINCERELY!

Tonya Willman ©2010