MY SUPER POWERS!

Okay, through intense introspection I have finally realized my True Super-Powers. I almost didn’t record this for history out of sheer modesty alone. But, I MUST be true to myself. Otherwise, how will I ever win my TIGHTS OF JUSTICE?

1.   I am a highly skilled procrastinator; to the point of, say, receiving and extremely anticipated book, and then mentally not being able to read it for weeks and weeks.

2.   I am a card-carrying flake. Everything I do is flaky. Others now simply marvel and exclaim; “THERE SHE GOES AGAIN!”

3.   I absolutely never finish what I start unless it is dessert. Big endeavors or tiny projects can be randomly abandoned... I am actually learning to stop apologizing for my behavior, because really, what is the point?

4.   I am an over-thinker to the point of lunacy; including driving all those around me, who have to listen to my bouts of angst, INSANE as well.

5.   I have the attention span of a distracted toddler. Once-upon-a-time I could stay consistently and boldly on-task. It all eludes me now...

6.   Though I am acutely aware that it is a ridiculous notion, my brain firmly believes that any harsh judgments I have will instantly bring bad things upon my life in direct proportion to the amount of said ‘harshness’.

7.   Ironically, after naming super-powers #4 and #6, I now know  that I have highly developed ‘bright-lights’ on my brain. (REALLY)--Though doctors believe these are detrimental—my keen senses tell me that they are what give me my NEWLY DEVELOPED ABILITY to impulsively and randomly not give a tiny-rat’s-heiny. Now, to just focus this power for good, on things that REALLY MATTER, and not things like whether or not the Jehovah’s Witnesses are coming.

8.    My super-‘vagueness’-skills allow me to constantly do things I will regret, because I always forget ‘in the moment’ how miserable they will make me later. For example; I NEVER remember that I can no longer properly digest lettuce, therefore I ALWAYS order the salad.

9.   I can convert a 4 ounce candy bar into 2 pounds of fat, faster than a speeding bullet.

10.          Clutter is my nemesis yet I live in fear of throwing away something that could be important, even after I boldly trash it.

11.         Even though I am working on development of super-power #7 for ‘good’, I have the amazing capability to completely and utterly SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF at a moment’s notice.

12.         With my trusty mental-shield, I have no recollection of becoming middle-aged, yet the date and the mirror confirm this on a daily basis. Where did it go, and how did I waste it???

13.         I am beginning to embrace my inner-curmudgeon, which celebrates the ideals of NOT giving the neighborhood kids their ball back and having an overwhelming desire to pop children’s birthday balloons with my cake fork.

14.         I have attained a level of forgetfulness that causes total over-organization in order to function in my SUPER-FOG, for example; I can single-handedly check and recheck over fifty times that the flat-iron has, in fact, been  unplugged. And I am only able to lock my car doors IF I am physically clutching my car keys. I have actually taken to using the mighty ‘CLIP OF JUSTICE’ to attach them to my purse in order to step away from the ‘BEE-MOBILE’.

15.         Finally; I can leap to conclusions in a single bound, causing enormous amounts of remorse and mortification later.
This is MY super-power list!  Tonya Willman © 2012…you go
get your own!