Monday, October 1, 2012


Dearest lovely friends…..
  This is a quick bloggity-blog to let you know that I have NOT abandoned 4 and 20 Sparrows. But, um, I simply lost my mind for a wee while and for a wisp of a moment; my will to live. You may smile and say….”That T. what a hoot she is…” well thank you, but it is still a true story. Depression bites, hard.
   Apparently all of my serotonin decided to leap from my brain and skitter away, possibly under the fridge, I don’t know. I rarely clean there. Don’t you hate that? Realizing it’s been like six months since you cleaned under it. So you muster up the courage and pull it out…oh dear Lord! It’s a special kind of dirt. It is evil, grimy fridge dirt…Oh, and look! There is that recipe you’ve been looking for, plus a bonus of a hairy tater-tot…so why would my serotonin want to go there?
      I am pretty sure it didn’t follow my eyebrows down to Cancun. The middle of both my brows disappeared, for real!--- I believe it was some type of tweezer protest--- I don’t know, but anyway, maybe the serotonin is way smarter without me and ran out into the garden and hid…just stayed there among the flowers and shrubs….lolling around and laughing with the wisteria.
    It is a certainty I wasn’t doing any laughing. Mostly I was weeping piteously and snotting on myself. I would vacillate between that; and angry outbursts because some driver cut me off, or my son hurt my feelings, or the dinner I made tasted like yak spit or when I looked in the mirror all I could see was that lovely combination of wrinkles and zits….
     I truly believed, at the time, my depression was spiritual. I kept stomping around and crying and scaring my family and begging Jesus to forgive me, and occasionally being mistaken for someone with Tourette’s Syndrome, until my mom and my sister said…”You must see the doctor”--- By the by: they had said this at least a dozen times before--- But finally after an outburst that would have impressed Alec Baldwin (as I sat sobbing and spent)…I listened.
    The doctor knew what to do. I had fought it, because I have to take so many meds anyway, and I certainly did not think it was going to help! It was supposed to take up to three weeks to work. By the end of week one I was feeling almost human. The Tourette’s immediately stopped! The crying jags began to subside. By week three I was back to my regular weird self, still with the fibro and the pain, but SO much better. I realized more than ever before that a person can take physical pain a hundred times easier when the mental pain subsides.
     Any hoo, I got me some shiny new serotonin! It is staying because the medicine says so. Apparently my brain soaked it up like a floppy camel at an oasis. Even that first week: what with the serotonin hypotenuse of the cortexial lingula being so depleted and all; and the synapsis just moping around firing randomly, not even caring if they hit a target. And really, at that point they were just phoning it in anyway.
    So, God-speed to the old serotonin, I just hope it knows to go south for the winter, it gets freaking cold and depressing here come December! But, truly I haven’t forgotten this blog. I think about it a lot. And just see! My brain and my fingers finally got together for this post.
    I do so love you all and hope you will still check in, because: ‘Every day in every way…I’m getting better and better.’ *eye twitch.
Tonya Willman
© 2012  

Sunday, June 3, 2012


How come now that I am 51 and ‘substantial’ all of these magnificently cute shoes come out? If I were to try to wear them now, people would stop and look upon me piteously, and my feet would scream in pain, and possibly blood would run… while all the time the shoes would chuckle in an *evol manner as the blisters formed!
How come now that I am old enough to realize that you should NOT pluck your eyebrows into surprised half-moons, the middles have angrily given up and moved away? I am fairly sure they are somewhere in the Bahamas sipping a cool drink, a place I will never be able to afford to go, while I fake it; and draw them in every day, while mourning their loss.
How come when we were children, in health class, we were told to brush our teeth and gums with vigor? “
Up like a rocket, down like a plane, back-and-forth like a choo-choo train. ♫♪  NOW my dentist tells me that the reason I have a place on my gums that is receding to the point of seeing root and possibly brain…is BECAUSE I brushed too hard as a child and adult!!!! I say everyone with receding gum lines should form a class action suit against the ADA…And possibly Mrs. Finch, who was WAY too enthusiastic about it all, really who knows what those little plaque dying tablets we chewed, actually did to us, besides the gross-out factor!
How come nature has decided, in a cruel joke, to shower me with “fine-line” wrinkles AND blemishes???? Seriously? I have to deal with sun-damaged, spotty wrinkled skin….AND zits???? Well sure…that makes sense.
How come People-----no haters please---think that epidermal-art …aka tattoos will somehow make their thunder-thigh, calves like bronto-tri-tips and/or ‘cankles’ look even better??? I ask this based on the latest e-mail forward installment I received of ‘Wal-Mart People, Summer Princesses’ (I have the whole collection) Most popular tats: Something large and unseemly, usually circling their whole leg. Or another possible favorite; their NASCAR driver’s number vibrantly displayed on their ankle OR even the top of their foot!
Also, how come some women think it is okay to go out in public without pants, or use a bra for a top? Why aren’t THEY arrested for indecent exposure?
How come I secretly fear that every time I go to a Wal-Mart now, I am somehow going to find myself in one of these emails? Is something loose and flapping? What if I do not realize I have TP stuck to my shoe, or someone catches me bending over to reach something on a lower shelf? I find myself darting through Wal-Mart like a Navy Seal on maneuvers….just get in and out as fast as possible and watch for snipers….AKA people with camera phones aimed at me.
How come a bleach blonde girl in a sports car, while simultaneously eating AND texting in Redding traffic, can lay on her horn and scream at me, using rude hand gestures… (I gotta say, she was an excellent multi-tasker) while I am in my own lane following traffic rules…and all I can do is honk back ineffectually while my daughter says, “Mom, Mom…don’t…I don’t like the look of that guy with her.”…Really? I don’t FREAKING care! I laid on my horn some more just because ‘boyfriend’ was scary, and based on the ‘wife-beater’ tank top, probably had pants baggy enough to house three other boyfriends and a crazy weekend party to go with it!!!!
….but fortunately then our paths diverged and I turned off onto another street, while they blew through a light, like a streak of white lightning! Still…NO cop---EVER---when you need one, BUT; Barney Fifes lurking about everywhere when you don’t! Dear Barney, go arrest the freaky, pants-less Wal-Mart women!
How come technology scares, while simultaneously luring me? It is like a siren’s song. And, it is bad. Because;
A.) I do NOT have the money for the gadgets I crave.
B.) I have absolutely no idea why I crave them; I just do….and
C.) They are for the young, who are now born with texting capabilities and can tweet before they can teethe…..
My “how-Coming” is definitely set on ‘Random’…but sometimes it is the only thing that helps me make any kind of sense of my day…I wonder How come?
Tonya Willman

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


I am not the stress or the sadness of events in my life. These moments, these pieces are just a tiny part of the rest of my world, the rest of me. I am not this disease in my life. It may have a slice of me, but it is not me. And also, I am not my loved ones or their problems. Their lives are theirs to live, as mine is my own.
When I forget that; God finds a way to remind me. I don’t know how, and it never used to be so before but; I get so intense about the negative things and about the pain within this disease that I lose myself in it all and seem to literally find myself becoming that moment, that hour of pain and unwellness. It overtakes me and entangles me in the depths until it feels like I am not just lost in the labyrinth, but the tangle of it is me. But, it is God’s desire to help me see the bigger picture.
I am more than the hard things I feel. In the moment in which pieces of sadness, anger, depression or illness seem to be saturating me, really almost becoming me, I have a choice to remember that this too shall pass; and for better or worse nothing remains the same.
There is a bigger space, a lovelier place within my world that I am just not seeing at that exact moment. But it seems to me the key is to rethink and not react, and then I will be present again in all of the rest of my world. I have found myself in this wilderness for so long now, that I somehow feel I am actually the wilderness itself, the barren unproductive wasteland. But God wants me to know that I am not.
If the MRI is right, if things are changing in my brain, if the findings are what have caused me to lose my creativity and wander in the negativity and pain, then I have to reprogram these things, these bright lights, these lesions on my brain, whatever their cause, by making new pathways or something.
If injured people can go into rehab programs for strokes and accidents and get pieces back, then I believe that through gratitude, through remembering blessings, and reminding myself that I am so much more than the negativity of any moment, I can, with practice, learn to rethink instead of react to each situation. I can retrain my brain and my spirit. Doesn’t God’s word say that as a person thinks, so he (she) is?
I think I am beginning to see the antidote. God wants me to consistently keep before me the fixed viewpoint of gratitude; it is like a North Star, and the simplicity of counting my blessings. It is all medicine, a well spring of grace, and I believe it is the cure.
There is a better way to see the big picture, to remember that I am not actually the stress, sadness or illness in my own life. These are but pieces of things that come to each one of us, and they are not my existence. My life is God in me and I in God. My life is the air in my lungs at this very instant. My life is made up of all of the graces, known and unknown, of every second.
How much more amazing would it be to feel instead, that mostly, and most of the time, I am the moment of laughter and joy, I am the moment of blessing and peace; than to believe the lie that I am the wasteland, that all of my creativity and energy is used up. The cupboard cannot be empty, it just can’t be, that must be an illusion.
The hard things come, but I am not the hard things and so I refuse to let them make me hard. Tonya Willman ©2012
                            beautiful, peaceful.....rethought.

Thursday, May 10, 2012


Okay, through intense introspection I have finally realized my True Super-Powers. I almost didn’t record this for history out of sheer modesty alone. But, I MUST be true to myself. Otherwise, how will I ever win my TIGHTS OF JUSTICE?

1.   I am a highly skilled procrastinator; to the point of, say, receiving and extremely anticipated book, and then mentally not being able to read it for weeks and weeks.

2.   I am a card-carrying flake. Everything I do is flaky. Others now simply marvel and exclaim; “THERE SHE GOES AGAIN!”

3.   I absolutely never finish what I start unless it is dessert. Big endeavors or tiny projects can be randomly abandoned... I am actually learning to stop apologizing for my behavior, because really, what is the point?

4.   I am an over-thinker to the point of lunacy; including driving all those around me, who have to listen to my bouts of angst, INSANE as well.

5.   I have the attention span of a distracted toddler. Once-upon-a-time I could stay consistently and boldly on-task. It all eludes me now...

6.   Though I am acutely aware that it is a ridiculous notion, my brain firmly believes that any harsh judgments I have will instantly bring bad things upon my life in direct proportion to the amount of said ‘harshness’.

7.   Ironically, after naming super-powers #4 and #6, I now know  that I have highly developed ‘bright-lights’ on my brain. (REALLY)--Though doctors believe these are detrimental—my keen senses tell me that they are what give me my NEWLY DEVELOPED ABILITY to impulsively and randomly not give a tiny-rat’s-heiny. Now, to just focus this power for good, on things that REALLY MATTER, and not things like whether or not the Jehovah’s Witnesses are coming.

8.    My super-‘vagueness’-skills allow me to constantly do things I will regret, because I always forget ‘in the moment’ how miserable they will make me later. For example; I NEVER remember that I can no longer properly digest lettuce, therefore I ALWAYS order the salad.

9.   I can convert a 4 ounce candy bar into 2 pounds of fat, faster than a speeding bullet.

10.          Clutter is my nemesis yet I live in fear of throwing away something that could be important, even after I boldly trash it.

11.         Even though I am working on development of super-power #7 for ‘good’, I have the amazing capability to completely and utterly SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF at a moment’s notice.

12.         With my trusty mental-shield, I have no recollection of becoming middle-aged, yet the date and the mirror confirm this on a daily basis. Where did it go, and how did I waste it???

13.         I am beginning to embrace my inner-curmudgeon, which celebrates the ideals of NOT giving the neighborhood kids their ball back and having an overwhelming desire to pop children’s birthday balloons with my cake fork.

14.         I have attained a level of forgetfulness that causes total over-organization in order to function in my SUPER-FOG, for example; I can single-handedly check and recheck over fifty times that the flat-iron has, in fact, been  unplugged. And I am only able to lock my car doors IF I am physically clutching my car keys. I have actually taken to using the mighty ‘CLIP OF JUSTICE’ to attach them to my purse in order to step away from the ‘BEE-MOBILE’.

15.         Finally; I can leap to conclusions in a single bound, causing enormous amounts of remorse and mortification later.
This is MY super-power list!  Tonya Willman
© 2012…you go
get your own!

Friday, April 27, 2012



 I would like to apply for a grant. This grant would be to study Mean People. Namely it would determine;

A.) Do all Mean People realize that they are, in fact, mean people?

B.) Why are some Mean People selective in their horrible rottenness, only to certain individuals, and then present themselves as kind, even virtuous to the rest of society?

C.) What percentage of habitually-Mean People truly enjoy being jerks through and through? Are there any that secretly really do hate this behavior but just cannot seem to stop their wretchedness? And,

D.) is there now, or has there ever been a 12-step program for the Habitually-Mean: “Hi. I’m Ralph and I’m a vicious JERK…” “Hiii Raaaalph.”
   Mean People are taking over. They are everywhere; you can even get the occasionally snippy phone-tree. “Press 2 if you were not listening while being informed that our menu options have changed, press 3 if you only have enough I.Q. points to press the rest of our options at random. Press 10 if you can actually recognize the numerals ‘1’ and ‘0’.” *followed, of course, by a condescendingly patient cyber sigh…
  At least a few years ago the Pakistani-type tech support people were overwhelming polite, though no help whatsoever. Now they are starting to get a bit churlish, “No! No Ma’am, I om sa-ying to YOU that you cannot pdess F10 and sy-stem reeestore at de same time without…what? No! Don’t dooo that!…. I toll you….But NO! I toll YOU that it does not mattah that your co-sin Cleatus say to you this will resolve de izzue! This is bad! And will lead to veddy, veddy bad things…YOU listen to me!” (I am pretty much serious here, in that I experienced a similar conversation *names have been changed)
    These poor foreign-techies used to be profusely apologetic. Finally, after three hours of trying to grasp the instructions, I would burst into tears telling them I could not comprehend a single word they were saying, and I was so sorry, BUT I could not bear one more moment...And then I would beg to speak to somebody I could understand…
    ”We are be-ing so veddy sorry Ma’am, we are having no Amehd-icans availaboll at tiss time…”
     But now---times they are a-changin’---not only do I NOT understand them, I do understand that they are irritated with ME…and they don’t care either! This is possibly from having to listen to one rude, ugly American after another berating them and treating them like foreign-call-center-goobers, just because these very ugly Americans somehow think it is their God-given-American-right to harangue anyone who; “Don’t speak good English, and like whatever…”
   Meanness seems to be hyped and glorified in almost every aspect of our society today; from hideous reality television shows and gratuitous and vacuous movies, mainstream news that has gone tabloid, and to probably at least 50% of the ‘pithy’ sayings and photos that float down ones newsfeed on Facebook.
   Recently I got the opportunity to hear a wonderful young pastor speaking. He preached on the great, great love of God. He said that love always wins! And not squishy emotional love either, but the kind that Jesus showed when, as the God of the universe, he humbled himself to stoop and wash his own disciples feet at the last supper before He ultimately fulfilled His reason for coming to earth; living, ministering, teaching, loving, healing and finally dying for each one of us on a cross.
    And His command, after He had washed His disciples feet was that we, His followers, go out and show that same love and humility to one another and to the world.
   If ‘meanness’ is the disease; then this kind of real love is the cure.  Kind and humble love always wins! It can melt all but the cruelest of hearts. I forget that sometimes, okay I can forget it a lot… I get hurt or offended and I want to be mean right back. But, if by God’s power, we can stop and take a moment to let love have a chance, it can disarm and profoundly change people and circumstances.
   So If I got that grant, apart from being a flagrant waster of tax-payer monies, I would only come to the obvious conclusion that everyone can be mean, and sometimes viciously mean, myself included. Even though I really believe that most people are not habitual-meanness-offenders. But I would also find that many a mean and nasty heart has been softened and reborn through the divine love of the God of the Universe…who is not afraid to love so big that He stooped to wash feet, and expects us to do the same. Tonya Willman
© 2012

                                    Do mean eyes hide something more?...


Wednesday, March 21, 2012


·       Eating salad---no matter how good it might be for me---after 9:30 p.m. is madness, unless of course, one enjoys burping salad in the morning....

·       Mothers of young children, when in a pinch, in stores should NOT use those anti-bacterial wipes---which the store provides to disinfect the cart handle---to wipe their child’s snotty nose, dirty face or any other aspect of their anatomy. Hello toxicity!

·       Never use someone else’s computer to log in and check your Facebook. Because; even if you are certain you logged out…computer gremlins WILL log you back in again.

·       All the benefits you have reaped from an exercise program done for months can be undone by missing it for two weeks or less…>.<

·       Adding sundried tomatoes to a deli sandwich is a joyous thing.

·       Checking your shoes for trailing toilet paper before leaving a public restroom is a must.

·       When a dog hates the mailman, there is nothing you can do to stop it. Do NOT attempt dog therapy, it is useless.

·        Pinterest is highly addicting, and yet disturbing…you cannot possibly credit everyone for everything you pin, therefore you feel somehow plagiaristic, and it subtly steals the joy from the process, while simultaneously allowing you to feel proud of your pin ‘find’. Weird.

·       Strong amounts of Chlorine in a public pool is needful…but it’s bad, M’kay?

·       Learning to not be a ‘fixer’ or ‘helper’ is like trying to learn to tap dance, play the piano and NOT ‘Fix’ things for people, all at the same time. Is that oddly put? Well what I mean is that it is freaking hard!

·       Wal-Mart Super stores are not better, they are just bigger and more stress producing. You cannot find anything in all of the acreage, and neither can the random, wild-eyed employee you corner.

·       Texting is taking over and zombifying our youth. All you can see, say for example, at the mall, are the tops of their heads and their thumbs moving at a blazing speed.

·       I have witnessed teens texting each other…whilst sitting next to one another!--We are losing our ability to truly communicate. We now interact only in random bits, bytes and screen-grabs.

·       Spiders are much smarter than you think!

·       Things change, people leave, life moves on, deal with it…Does that sound harsh? I’m sorry; I wish I could ‘fix’ it for you, but I can’t.

Tonya Willman © 2012

Monday, February 6, 2012

What Is Real

A new blog piece usually comes flowing out based on what is happening in your life, or what you are socially aware of and anything about which you wish to express your opinions. I have worked hard to have as few opinions as possible. I only hold to what Jesus said; “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ He also said “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and soul, and love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets…”
   It’s really awfully simple. Not a lot of rules or right wing rhetoric, nor left wing whining…Jesus is not a republican or a democrat. Every time someone tried to pull him into the political arena He blew them away with wisdom and love and went on about His business of love, grace and miracles, and all the time preparing, always preparing to go to Jerusalem to his appointed time of His sacrifice of His death on the cross. It was NO surprise to Him, it was why He came into this world. He let nothing sway Him to the right or the left.
  He said plainly what we need to do. Jesus told us that God loved us SO much that He sent His only Son to us! And whoever really believes in Him and His sacrifice will have everlasting life! EVERLASTING… such a better deal than either party offers!
There is SO much false self-esteem floating around right now out there in this old world that you have people that sing like tortured cats auditioning for American Idol because people lied to them throughout their lives and told them they could sing, so as to not hurt and actually build their false self-worth.
Then reality hits and they’re told that they stink! They can’t believe it! No, nooooo! They either cry or are crushed to the point of flinging themselves off of a bridge; or throw embarrassing, filthy mouthed fits and swearing up and down that they are the best there is, and A.I. blew it!!!…”YOU’LL SEE! YOU’LL ALL SEE!!!!” *shakes fist….*throws chairs…
But it is a fabricated bravado and the world is filled with false images and promises and people believe it because the world is scary and they are desperate.
They are hungry to be known for something, to feed their egos and make themselves believe that there is more behind the facade than a scared human being who needs true and divine direction. A human being who needs to let go of all the bravado and fall on their knees and ask the maker of the universe to reach down and forgive them and change them and meet their needs and make them into something truly beautiful and amazing.
   But there is one truth, and it shines; there is one thing to truly hold on to.  The Bible gives Jesus many names; The Door, The Way, The Truth, The Life, The Lion, The Lamb, The King, Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, Alpha and Omega, and the Rock.
Oh, He is The Rock! We cling to Him; we build our foundation on Him. When things get hard we hide in the cleft of The Rock…
  This blog post is to ask you, do you know Him? Do you really know who He is, and if not, do you want to? He will change your life and your destiny. There is an eternal destiny for everyone. Heaven or hell and we must choose. He paid such a price for us; He took the punishment for our sins and conquered death! I want to say to you that through the good and bad, He is everything, now and for always. And He can be everything in your life too, if you will only ask Him.
Tonya Willman


Sunday, January 15, 2012



     Hello my wondermous friends. I have SO much news to share with you! If one needed a hard hat to work like a mad thing on their blog, I would totally have “hat hair” right now.
   I don’t think I am promoting this new format right, what with being a total computer doof! So here are some new updates which I think you would enjoy exploring:

   There are 7 pages to this blog now…SEVEN! Talk about diversity! You could play all day!
   Page 1 is of course My Blog, which you are perusing right now! Filled with utter nonsense and strange ramblings, so feel free to look back at anything you may have missed. There is some pretty good stuff, if she does say so herself (notice how I went into third person there so as not to appear immodest?)

Page 2 is a delightful mixture of Spiritual Musings that I add to all of the time. Oh yes it all grows as I mine the Word, and the internet for treasures…do check in for bytes of spiritual refreshment. P.S. Warning….I love Jesus!

    Page 3 is Works That Inspire. OH-Oh-OH!!!! This is so divoon, so swell it moves me! All of these amazing images!!! Do you want a feast for the eyes? Do you want to feel saturated in deliciousness? Go and visit. Take your time on this page because it is a kind of Museum. It changes all of the time. You will always find new and mouthwatering things….

Page 4 is my Let’s Have Fun page….I love it. It is my clown car page! It is utter and sheer silliness. Everything that makes Tonya *snort! Some of these images will have been on Facebook already….to freaky bad! ENJOY I tell you!!! This page will get new stuff all of the time too! If you need a laugh, drop by!

Page 5 is Favorite Entertainment. Movies, books and music I love. Why should you care? No reason whatsoever, but it makes me happy and you might find some new stuff to explore. It is UNDER CONSTRUCTION right now so not a lot on it, but still, some general happy,happy,joy,joy…..so check it out, and just know that there is MUCH more to come.

Page 6 is My Art…it has been the same stuff for a while…and that is still on there, because it is me, it is my heart, but I decided to add some NEW drawings from my sketch book and a NEW painting or two. I WILL get my art mojo back!!! SO, hang with me! Hopefully more creativity to come!!!

Page 7 is just About the Blog and how to commission art work, etc…yes I still work commissions…

Any hoodle, Tonya just felt that the “full effect of the anesthetic” was not coming through. I WISH there was a place for comments and feedback on each page…but alas…there does not seem to be, or at least I don’t know how to create it. You can only comment on the blog pieces. WHICH IS VERY EASY TO DO NOW!!! You can even comment as ‘anonymous’ So, I am thinking; if there is anything else you want to comment on from the other pages, just put it on the newest blog piece and I will check in…It’s the best I can do right now fellow babies…Please come, Explore and enjoy! And let me know what you think…Tonya Willman ©2012