Dearest lovely friends…..
This is a quick bloggity-blog to let you know that I have NOT abandoned 4 and 20 Sparrows. But, um, I simply lost my mind for a wee while and for a wisp of a moment; my will to live. You may smile and say….”That T. what a hoot she is…” well thank you, but it is still a true story. Depression bites, hard.
Apparently all of my serotonin decided to leap from my brain and skitter away, possibly under the fridge, I don’t know. I rarely clean there. Don’t you hate that? Realizing it’s been like six months since you cleaned under it. So you muster up the courage and pull it out…oh dear Lord! It’s a special kind of dirt. It is evil, grimy fridge dirt…Oh, and look! There is that recipe you’ve been looking for, plus a bonus of a hairy tater-tot…so why would my serotonin want to go there?
I am pretty sure it didn’t follow my eyebrows down to Cancun. The middle of both my brows disappeared, for real!--- I believe it was some type of tweezer protest--- I don’t know, but anyway, maybe the serotonin is way smarter without me and ran out into the garden and hid…just stayed there among the flowers and shrubs….lolling around and laughing with the wisteria.
It is a certainty I wasn’t doing any laughing. Mostly I was weeping piteously and snotting on myself. I would vacillate between that; and angry outbursts because some driver cut me off, or my son hurt my feelings, or the dinner I made tasted like yak spit or when I looked in the mirror all I could see was that lovely combination of wrinkles and zits….
I truly believed, at the time, my depression was spiritual. I kept stomping around and crying and scaring my family and begging Jesus to forgive me, and occasionally being mistaken for someone with Tourette’s Syndrome, until my mom and my sister said…”You must see the doctor”--- By the by: they had said this at least a dozen times before--- But finally after an outburst that would have impressed Alec Baldwin (as I sat sobbing and spent)…I listened.
The doctor knew what to do. I had fought it, because I have to take so many meds anyway, and I certainly did not think it was going to help! It was supposed to take up to three weeks to work. By the end of week one I was feeling almost human. The Tourette’s immediately stopped! The crying jags began to subside. By week three I was back to my regular weird self, still with the fibro and the pain, but SO much better. I realized more than ever before that a person can take physical pain a hundred times easier when the mental pain subsides.
Any hoo, I got me some shiny new serotonin! It is staying because the medicine says so. Apparently my brain soaked it up like a floppy camel at an oasis. Even that first week: what with the serotonin hypotenuse of the cortexial lingula being so depleted and all; and the synapsis just moping around firing randomly, not even caring if they hit a target. And really, at that point they were just phoning it in anyway.
So, God-speed to the old serotonin, I just hope it knows to go south for the winter, it gets freaking cold and depressing here come December! But, truly I haven’t forgotten this blog. I think about it a lot. And just see! My brain and my fingers finally got together for this post.
I do so love you all and hope you will still check in, because: ‘Every day in every way…I’m getting better and better.’ *eye twitch.
Tonya Willman © 2012