How come now that I am 51 and ‘substantial’
all of these magnificently cute shoes come out? If I were to try to wear them
now, people would stop and look upon me piteously, and my feet would scream in pain,
and possibly blood would run… while all the time the shoes would chuckle in an
*evol manner as the blisters formed!
How come now that I am old enough to realize that you should NOT pluck your eyebrows into surprised half-moons, the middles have angrily given up and moved away? I am fairly sure they are somewhere in the Bahamas sipping a cool drink, a place I will never be able to afford to go, while I fake it; and draw them in every day, while mourning their loss.
How come when we were children, in health class, we were told to brush our teeth and gums with vigor? “♫ Up like a rocket, down like a plane, back-and-forth like a choo-choo train. ♫♪” NOW my dentist tells me that the reason I have a place on my gums that is receding to the point of seeing root and possibly brain…is BECAUSE I brushed too hard as a child and adult!!!! I say everyone with receding gum lines should form a class action suit against the ADA…And possibly Mrs. Finch, who was WAY too enthusiastic about it all, really who knows what those little plaque dying tablets we chewed, actually did to us, besides the gross-out factor!
How come nature has decided, in a cruel joke, to shower me with “fine-line” wrinkles AND blemishes???? Seriously? I have to deal with sun-damaged, spotty wrinkled skin….AND zits???? Well sure…that makes sense.
How come People-----no haters please---think that epidermal-art …aka tattoos will somehow make their thunder-thigh, calves like bronto-tri-tips and/or ‘cankles’ look even better??? I ask this based on the latest e-mail forward installment I received of ‘Wal-Mart People, Summer Princesses’ (I have the whole collection) Most popular tats: Something large and unseemly, usually circling their whole leg. Or another possible favorite; their NASCAR driver’s number vibrantly displayed on their ankle OR even the top of their foot!
Also, how come some women think it is okay to go out in public without pants, or use a bra for a top? Why aren’t THEY arrested for indecent exposure?
How come I secretly fear that every time I go to a Wal-Mart now, I am somehow going to find myself in one of these emails? Is something loose and flapping? What if I do not realize I have TP stuck to my shoe, or someone catches me bending over to reach something on a lower shelf? I find myself darting through Wal-Mart like a Navy Seal on maneuvers….just get in and out as fast as possible and watch for snipers….AKA people with camera phones aimed at me.
How come a bleach blonde girl in a sports car, while simultaneously eating AND texting in Redding traffic, can lay on her horn and scream at me, using rude hand gestures… (I gotta say, she was an excellent multi-tasker) while I am in my own lane following traffic rules…and all I can do is honk back ineffectually while my daughter says, “Mom, Mom…don’t…I don’t like the look of that guy with her.”…Really? I don’t FREAKING care! I laid on my horn some more just because ‘boyfriend’ was scary, and based on the ‘wife-beater’ tank top, probably had pants baggy enough to house three other boyfriends and a crazy weekend party to go with it!!!!
….but fortunately then our paths diverged and I turned off onto another street, while they blew through a light, like a streak of white lightning! Still…NO cop---EVER---when you need one, BUT; Barney Fifes lurking about everywhere when you don’t! Dear Barney, go arrest the freaky, pants-less Wal-Mart women!
How come technology scares, while simultaneously luring me? It is like a siren’s song. And, it is bad. Because;
A.) I do NOT have the money for the gadgets I crave.
B.) I have absolutely no idea why I crave them; I just do….and
C.) They are for the young, who are now born with texting capabilities and can tweet before they can teethe…..
My “how-Coming” is definitely set on ‘Random’…but sometimes it is the only thing that helps me make any kind of sense of my day…I wonder How come?
Tonya Willman ©2012
How come now that I am old enough to realize that you should NOT pluck your eyebrows into surprised half-moons, the middles have angrily given up and moved away? I am fairly sure they are somewhere in the Bahamas sipping a cool drink, a place I will never be able to afford to go, while I fake it; and draw them in every day, while mourning their loss.
How come when we were children, in health class, we were told to brush our teeth and gums with vigor? “♫ Up like a rocket, down like a plane, back-and-forth like a choo-choo train. ♫♪” NOW my dentist tells me that the reason I have a place on my gums that is receding to the point of seeing root and possibly brain…is BECAUSE I brushed too hard as a child and adult!!!! I say everyone with receding gum lines should form a class action suit against the ADA…And possibly Mrs. Finch, who was WAY too enthusiastic about it all, really who knows what those little plaque dying tablets we chewed, actually did to us, besides the gross-out factor!
How come nature has decided, in a cruel joke, to shower me with “fine-line” wrinkles AND blemishes???? Seriously? I have to deal with sun-damaged, spotty wrinkled skin….AND zits???? Well sure…that makes sense.
How come People-----no haters please---think that epidermal-art …aka tattoos will somehow make their thunder-thigh, calves like bronto-tri-tips and/or ‘cankles’ look even better??? I ask this based on the latest e-mail forward installment I received of ‘Wal-Mart People, Summer Princesses’ (I have the whole collection) Most popular tats: Something large and unseemly, usually circling their whole leg. Or another possible favorite; their NASCAR driver’s number vibrantly displayed on their ankle OR even the top of their foot!
Also, how come some women think it is okay to go out in public without pants, or use a bra for a top? Why aren’t THEY arrested for indecent exposure?
How come I secretly fear that every time I go to a Wal-Mart now, I am somehow going to find myself in one of these emails? Is something loose and flapping? What if I do not realize I have TP stuck to my shoe, or someone catches me bending over to reach something on a lower shelf? I find myself darting through Wal-Mart like a Navy Seal on maneuvers….just get in and out as fast as possible and watch for snipers….AKA people with camera phones aimed at me.
How come a bleach blonde girl in a sports car, while simultaneously eating AND texting in Redding traffic, can lay on her horn and scream at me, using rude hand gestures… (I gotta say, she was an excellent multi-tasker) while I am in my own lane following traffic rules…and all I can do is honk back ineffectually while my daughter says, “Mom, Mom…don’t…I don’t like the look of that guy with her.”…Really? I don’t FREAKING care! I laid on my horn some more just because ‘boyfriend’ was scary, and based on the ‘wife-beater’ tank top, probably had pants baggy enough to house three other boyfriends and a crazy weekend party to go with it!!!!
….but fortunately then our paths diverged and I turned off onto another street, while they blew through a light, like a streak of white lightning! Still…NO cop---EVER---when you need one, BUT; Barney Fifes lurking about everywhere when you don’t! Dear Barney, go arrest the freaky, pants-less Wal-Mart women!
How come technology scares, while simultaneously luring me? It is like a siren’s song. And, it is bad. Because;
A.) I do NOT have the money for the gadgets I crave.
B.) I have absolutely no idea why I crave them; I just do….and
C.) They are for the young, who are now born with texting capabilities and can tweet before they can teethe…..
My “how-Coming” is definitely set on ‘Random’…but sometimes it is the only thing that helps me make any kind of sense of my day…I wonder How come?
Tonya Willman ©2012
I wish I knew what to tell you, Tonya. I have all the same questions. I just didn't know anyone else thought along the same lines. Thanks for another wonderful and fun blog post. <3 Tess
ReplyDeleteThanks Contessa...it is important to think about these things...=)
DeleteExcellent questions all...My only response...The world is mad ! It is working overtime,attempting to convince those of us that still possess a degree of common sense,that we are the deluded ones. The lure of the Dark Side is ever on the brink of breaking through our rational defenses with its sultry stilettos & tempting technology. Propaganda abounds designed to make us feel deprived,techno-twittish & a tarnish on the golden circle of life. We know better. We are the thinkers, the doers and the blessed <3 and you are brilliant <3 Love you ~ Mo
ReplyDeleteLmbo!!!! Love you Mo! WHY don't you ever write your blog anymore? You write brilliantly! Love ya!!! T.
DeleteI'm convinced that there is a conspiracy panel in this world that works at tormenting all women when we hit 50 and know we can no longer do the things we did at 49 (or younger). This is their job and they take great joy in being mean and spiteful to us even though they don't even know us and we've never done anything to them. Either they are very young and don't get it yet..OR..they are old and bitter trying to make us feel just as old and bitter as they are. I haven't figured out which it is just yet, probably never will, but I'm with you T...I just watch out for those people out there with their phones pointed at me, not so discreetly, waiting for that precise moment when I will do something that will surely get 10,000,000,000,000 hits on YouTube.
ReplyDeleteLOL! IKR?!??!?!? CONSTANT toilet paper stuck to shoe alert!!! The phone Nazis are out there!!!
DeleteHow come - because God just loves to read your blog, Lady T and so do I. Do you think the Walmart people are really real people shopping at Walmart. Do they put an ad in the paper one day and say, "put your best duds on and come on over to Walmart to get your picture took looking like a Fredericks model on drugs.". How come they actually go looking as if their body left home before their brain woke up.....huh, how come. Just cause, I guess.
ReplyDeleteLove it! Fascinating points, all!!! That last "Wal-Mart, Spring Princess" email I got was so scary! I think some of these people just 'uniform' up and have their friends grab the cameras shouting "Let's Ride!!!!" It is like the instant sick reality Wal-Mart show, that goes viral...It is a largely----no pun intended----white trash conspiracy!! But really??? NO PANTS?!?!?!?!?
DeleteMrs Tonya!
ReplyDeleteCan I just say that I neither can walk in those Heels are people do call them, I stick to Flossy's (a new multi-coloured plimsole) and flat dolly shoes... though I do in my heart prefer to go bare foot as
it makes me feel so comfortable and at one with earth (as they say, always keep your feet on the ground)
Also My eyebrows I never would look half human if i had them all waxed off as I call it! Though if blessed as you are with bone structure so wonderful they do look lovely! mine are bushy as I have very strong bone structure in the cheek bones!
besides, why not keep the eyes nice and warm? afterall those fortunate and blessed use them daily! protect them!
Brushing my teeth and gums so hard just makes them bleed (maybe im doing it wrong) who knows?
As for thesee wrinkles you speak of, I always find it hightly fascinating why women get botox.. I mean what? Can they not show sign of strength and lines of life lived?..I see no harm, Live beautifully and Love beautifully and you shall stay beautifull all life long!
I have a couple Tattoo's and I will always defend two of them...however the other is a very silly mistake I made so young and will regret it forever, or untill i have it removed (if fortunate enough) One is of three beautifull Ladybugs of the ages 5,3 and 2.
However I see no need for Tattoos as big as my thight for all high and mighty like tree trunks they may be I would never cover them up..
Now the Indecent Exposure I do agree on whole heartedly! Now I know theres the saying about showing what God gave you and all but I also remeber that he Gave me Grace and Dignity, I would rather keep my skin under wraps..no really I have to.. I do live in Britain rememer and being this close to the north sea is seriously cold!
While in ASDA (Wal-Mart) no really.. it is the sister store! awesome! o_O! Anyhow while in there I tend to dart in and aorund like Flash.. no really that guy has nothing on my speed! I cannot afford to be taken in photographs! and when I bend to reach a 'bottom sholf-er' I do it as though meeting Her Magesty Queen Elizabeth, Though my brains definition of a 'Curtsy' is cuttinf ogg all systems to balance and usually it's me hanging on to a middle shelf for dear life! I have no sense of balance at all.
though its not suprising as I am the girl who is run down by parked cars! (I'm really a ditz)
I dont like crazy drivers, stick to the rules or dont get into the Vehicle! Simple.. lifes to precious is this woman and man stupid? no really?.
Bad hand gestures are just uncalled for! Some women these days have lost all sorts of respect and dignity!
Technology scares me also, They need to stop making all this silly stuff, I sort of understand that we need computers?...although wasnt the dictionary and the bible and other books on life created for reason?..Paper to write upon and book of knowledge! All of this iPod,Pad,Phone tech, and whatnot is causing great strain on the universe, dont they see all the smoggyness that hovers over such factory's and plants that create such gadgets? do they? Its killing the world, no wonder people have such consiracy's on the world ending, its the human race that is killing it!
Now as I see it, the Universe keeps us alive, so why shouldnt we keep the UNIVERSE alive!
This is a LOOOOOOOONG comment but i do love this post so much!
Love Zara girl! I hope your having a wonderful day!
LOL!!! Love you Zar Girl!!! I love your great comments. I laughed so hard at you being "the girl run down by parked cars!" That is the best line EVER!!! AND if I ever use it I will give Sara Holland all the credit!!!!
DeleteI agree..its all too much. God bless our universe! He made it and He loves it so! ♥