How come now that I am 51 and ‘substantial’
all of these magnificently cute shoes come out? If I were to try to wear them
now, people would stop and look upon me piteously, and my feet would scream in pain,
and possibly blood would run… while all the time the shoes would chuckle in an
*evol manner as the blisters formed!
How come now that I am old enough to realize that you should NOT pluck your eyebrows into surprised half-moons, the middles have angrily given up and moved away? I am fairly sure they are somewhere in the Bahamas sipping a cool drink, a place I will never be able to afford to go, while I fake it; and draw them in every day, while mourning their loss.
How come when we were children, in health class, we were told to brush our teeth and gums with vigor? “♫ Up like a rocket, down like a plane, back-and-forth like a choo-choo train. ♫♪” NOW my dentist tells me that the reason I have a place on my gums that is receding to the point of seeing root and possibly brain…is BECAUSE I brushed too hard as a child and adult!!!! I say everyone with receding gum lines should form a class action suit against the ADA…And possibly Mrs. Finch, who was WAY too enthusiastic about it all, really who knows what those little plaque dying tablets we chewed, actually did to us, besides the gross-out factor!
How come nature has decided, in a cruel joke, to shower me with “fine-line” wrinkles AND blemishes???? Seriously? I have to deal with sun-damaged, spotty wrinkled skin….AND zits???? Well sure…that makes sense.
How come People-----no haters please---think that epidermal-art …aka tattoos will somehow make their thunder-thigh, calves like bronto-tri-tips and/or ‘cankles’ look even better??? I ask this based on the latest e-mail forward installment I received of ‘Wal-Mart People, Summer Princesses’ (I have the whole collection) Most popular tats: Something large and unseemly, usually circling their whole leg. Or another possible favorite; their NASCAR driver’s number vibrantly displayed on their ankle OR even the top of their foot!
Also, how come some women think it is okay to go out in public without pants, or use a bra for a top? Why aren’t THEY arrested for indecent exposure?
How come I secretly fear that every time I go to a Wal-Mart now, I am somehow going to find myself in one of these emails? Is something loose and flapping? What if I do not realize I have TP stuck to my shoe, or someone catches me bending over to reach something on a lower shelf? I find myself darting through Wal-Mart like a Navy Seal on maneuvers….just get in and out as fast as possible and watch for snipers….AKA people with camera phones aimed at me.
How come a bleach blonde girl in a sports car, while simultaneously eating AND texting in Redding traffic, can lay on her horn and scream at me, using rude hand gestures… (I gotta say, she was an excellent multi-tasker) while I am in my own lane following traffic rules…and all I can do is honk back ineffectually while my daughter says, “Mom, Mom…don’t…I don’t like the look of that guy with her.”…Really? I don’t FREAKING care! I laid on my horn some more just because ‘boyfriend’ was scary, and based on the ‘wife-beater’ tank top, probably had pants baggy enough to house three other boyfriends and a crazy weekend party to go with it!!!!
….but fortunately then our paths diverged and I turned off onto another street, while they blew through a light, like a streak of white lightning! Still…NO cop---EVER---when you need one, BUT; Barney Fifes lurking about everywhere when you don’t! Dear Barney, go arrest the freaky, pants-less Wal-Mart women!
How come technology scares, while simultaneously luring me? It is like a siren’s song. And, it is bad. Because;
A.) I do NOT have the money for the gadgets I crave.
B.) I have absolutely no idea why I crave them; I just do….and
C.) They are for the young, who are now born with texting capabilities and can tweet before they can teethe…..
My “how-Coming” is definitely set on ‘Random’…but sometimes it is the only thing that helps me make any kind of sense of my day…I wonder How come?
Tonya Willman ©2012
How come now that I am old enough to realize that you should NOT pluck your eyebrows into surprised half-moons, the middles have angrily given up and moved away? I am fairly sure they are somewhere in the Bahamas sipping a cool drink, a place I will never be able to afford to go, while I fake it; and draw them in every day, while mourning their loss.
How come when we were children, in health class, we were told to brush our teeth and gums with vigor? “♫ Up like a rocket, down like a plane, back-and-forth like a choo-choo train. ♫♪” NOW my dentist tells me that the reason I have a place on my gums that is receding to the point of seeing root and possibly brain…is BECAUSE I brushed too hard as a child and adult!!!! I say everyone with receding gum lines should form a class action suit against the ADA…And possibly Mrs. Finch, who was WAY too enthusiastic about it all, really who knows what those little plaque dying tablets we chewed, actually did to us, besides the gross-out factor!
How come nature has decided, in a cruel joke, to shower me with “fine-line” wrinkles AND blemishes???? Seriously? I have to deal with sun-damaged, spotty wrinkled skin….AND zits???? Well sure…that makes sense.
How come People-----no haters please---think that epidermal-art …aka tattoos will somehow make their thunder-thigh, calves like bronto-tri-tips and/or ‘cankles’ look even better??? I ask this based on the latest e-mail forward installment I received of ‘Wal-Mart People, Summer Princesses’ (I have the whole collection) Most popular tats: Something large and unseemly, usually circling their whole leg. Or another possible favorite; their NASCAR driver’s number vibrantly displayed on their ankle OR even the top of their foot!
Also, how come some women think it is okay to go out in public without pants, or use a bra for a top? Why aren’t THEY arrested for indecent exposure?
How come I secretly fear that every time I go to a Wal-Mart now, I am somehow going to find myself in one of these emails? Is something loose and flapping? What if I do not realize I have TP stuck to my shoe, or someone catches me bending over to reach something on a lower shelf? I find myself darting through Wal-Mart like a Navy Seal on maneuvers….just get in and out as fast as possible and watch for snipers….AKA people with camera phones aimed at me.
How come a bleach blonde girl in a sports car, while simultaneously eating AND texting in Redding traffic, can lay on her horn and scream at me, using rude hand gestures… (I gotta say, she was an excellent multi-tasker) while I am in my own lane following traffic rules…and all I can do is honk back ineffectually while my daughter says, “Mom, Mom…don’t…I don’t like the look of that guy with her.”…Really? I don’t FREAKING care! I laid on my horn some more just because ‘boyfriend’ was scary, and based on the ‘wife-beater’ tank top, probably had pants baggy enough to house three other boyfriends and a crazy weekend party to go with it!!!!
….but fortunately then our paths diverged and I turned off onto another street, while they blew through a light, like a streak of white lightning! Still…NO cop---EVER---when you need one, BUT; Barney Fifes lurking about everywhere when you don’t! Dear Barney, go arrest the freaky, pants-less Wal-Mart women!
How come technology scares, while simultaneously luring me? It is like a siren’s song. And, it is bad. Because;
A.) I do NOT have the money for the gadgets I crave.
B.) I have absolutely no idea why I crave them; I just do….and
C.) They are for the young, who are now born with texting capabilities and can tweet before they can teethe…..
My “how-Coming” is definitely set on ‘Random’…but sometimes it is the only thing that helps me make any kind of sense of my day…I wonder How come?
Tonya Willman ©2012
