Mr. Whackadoodle or how I became a criminal

 

 

Okay, so the day started out like most days; I woke up semi-depressed and decided I wanted to stay in my room with my door shut and my iPad fired up…but No, the fam began chiming in “It’ll get you out of the house,” they said. “It’ll do you a world of good” they said. “Just look how sunny and balmy it is outside.” they said. “Let’s go to Redding!!!…” They cried. I was not easily persuaded, but I did need some supplies that Costco can only offer in the mass quantities that make you think you are getting a better deal than haggling with Omar in downtown Istanbul [or Constantinople, as I like to call it.]
So I blathered around for a while before agreeing, Anyhoo, Jamie, Jacob and I set out for “The Big City.” Bill stayed home to putter around the yard, because he is no fool and not easily talked in to crap.
I was almost out of the canyon. Almost dropping down out of the crack when I came upon, [*ominous music] an Oregonian driver. He had decided that he did, in fact, own the road. He was in the passing lane doing 60. We all formed a parade behind him. Some actually managed to squeeze between him and the endless procession of semis which took up the slow lane at maddeningly inconvenient intervals. This went on for about 10 miles, or 80 years in interstate time.
Finally there was a space he liked. He had been window shopping for so long, I was like “Eureka! Prom dress found!!!” Well he slipped over [no signal] and let everyone else by. I began to pass him and he sped up…I sped up too. He began to go faster and I could almost hear the maniacal laughter from inside his rolled up windows. We kept this up until I realized that he was truly a full-fledged whackadoodle!
Here’s what then happened; my buttons got pushed, my fight or flight kicked in and I said, “Oh nuh, uh!” So I decided this guy is dangerous and freaking nuts to boot…I was passing him!!! So I did. HA! When I saw him from a healthy distance in my rear-view, I slowed and so did he!!! Game over. BUT not really! Suddenly blue and red lights were flashing and I immediately began to shake, stifling whimpers as I pulled over. I realized the C.H.P had pulled over somebody else too….Hah! It was the Oregonian whackadoodle! I sat there in shock while the officer took forever to come and speak with me, They do that to help get your bowels moving.
So here are the facts: I have NEVER had a ticket and I am 53. The officer did allow me to explain what had happened. But he had already started writing my ticket so too-bad-so-sad. However; he wrote mine for 76 mph and Mr. Whackadoodle’s for 81!!!! At least it was something, it was a little bone thrown. His advice….’just drop back next time and let the crazies go’. Actually very good advice.
 I was so upset that when I drove away I could not stop crying the rest of the way to Redding. I should have let Jamie drive right then and there because; in a confusing dust-up by the Taco Bell I ran a red light!!! !*@#!!*%?@! So now I had reached epic portions of hysteria as I pictured ANOTHER ticket issued electronically with a photo of my big fat tear-stained face as I wove my way through the kindly people turning left. [I found out later that there is no traffic-cam there] Thank You Jesus!!!!
Needless to say, the thoughtful loosening of my bowels which the officer had begun was now complete. I sat in a stall in, you guessed it, the Costco ladies room as I heard the little Hispanic cleaning lady chirping outside about filling up all the T.P.holders….and then WHAM!!! She pushed through the lock and the door….and I just thought…sure…for once that old poem was true “Here I sit broken-hearted”
Maybe I needed a lesson in humility, maybe I had thoughtlessly laughed at someone else’s misfortune. Maybe I had stepped on a bug, who knows?…So the next day I stayed in bed all day with my iPad fired up, beauty  idea! Tonya Willman ©2014