CURRENTS

     I keep getting ‘water’ metaphors stuck in my head. I noticed I have written a few posts on here about water as well. It is something that seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life. I am in a very strange time of my life right now. It feels very turbulent and choppy. When I was nine years-old I almost drowned; in a weir, which is also very turbulent and choppy. It is a type of canal dam down in the farming valleys that chops everything up (fish too, I suppose) and then spills it all very calmly out on the other side. The other side is very tranquil. But, trust me when I tell you that falling into the roaring, churning water; which is so loud that no one can hear you scream, is definitely a “come to Jesus” moment. My step-father saved my life when everyone finally realized what was happening.
   He dove in to those roiling, angry waters, dove down below me and shoved me up above the surface. By the time he got to me I was ever-so calm. I went from screaming, hysterical panic, having bloodied my fingers, trying to claw my way out of the cement sides, ( here’s a tip…you can’t, well you can’t if you’re nine and cannot swim.) to complete acceptance as I went below the waters and watched the blades churning closer and closer. I had an experience with my step-father and God. First I saw my dad smiling up at me when I looked down at him while we were both submerged, then I heard him tell me two things; first; “I love you.” And second, “Don’t squeeze my neck so tight.” I told him this later after we were pulled on land by my uncle who kicked in the glass to a boxed lifer-preserver. My father told me that he had been thinking those exact things.
   Lately I have come to realize that I often describe my life in terms of water. Calm waters, flipping over and floating, struggling against the currents, going with the flow. I use all these water comparisons for moving through my life constantly, and probably even a dozen more. I realized I use them every day. As my life has become increasingly chaotic I have begun to hear this litany (which I believe is from God) in my head dozens of times a day as the metaphoric waters churn, “Life is a river, just let it flow around you. Stop struggling.”
   That day when I almost drowned feels like it branded me. And, I never really learned to swim very well either. I know that I received grace from God at that moment. It was more than my brain shutting down, or whatever. God made a way for me, moment by moment, and calmed my soul. I love water, I do. And I love the way sunlight looks filtering into it. I clearly remember looking up at the surface of that churning water and I could see all the lovely sunlight coming through in sparkles and spangles and weird golden ribbons flowing into the brown and white motion all around me. And then, I had peace….
    I think I see everything from that view point even now. If the waters “feel calm” I can rest, float, relax, but the moment it gets rough, I now realize more than ever, I begin to thrash around in my life. I begin to flail and try and try on my own. Why do I do that? Why would I ever think anyone except God can control such currents? They are Life.
     Whether I am submerged in trauma, drama or crisis, or whether the surface of my life feels as calm as the other side of the weir is not the point. I must choose every day whether I am going to let it all flow around me, knowing that my Heavenly Father has me, or I can try to do it on my own and keep myself panicky and worn out, the choice is really mine. Hmmm, It seems that I was actually much wiser at nine years old than at fifty… Tonya Willman ©2011