THINGS I WONDER ABOUT...

Here’s what I wonder…

*Why did they name them Hover-Rounds and Rascals? What elderly person wants to be known as the one who ‘hovers around’ in their little motorized seat? “Where’s grandma?”, “Oh, she’s just ‘hovering around.’---- Also, who thought the name “Rascal” was cute? Seriously, this gives the senior citizen, who is basically just trying to maneuver through his or her day without activating the Medic-Alert system, all the grace and dignity of a toddler in its Johnny-Jump-Up.

*How come, when I go to the Home Town Buffet; get all my own utensils and food, fetch my own drink and have to set my unsightly leavings on the edge of the table, as though begging for a garbage pick-up, do I feel horribly guilty if I do not leave a tip?

*How come, in this age of trumped up, hyper-excessive self-esteem; in which everyone under the age of thirty actually believes that they are either the next American Idol (when in fact they sing like two cats trapped in a sack) or ---even if they are extremely white--- somehow believe they are Eminem-ish, Puff-Diddy-P-Daddy-Def Jam-gangsta-large-pants cool AND anticipate their very own reality show at any moment---BUT--- also subconsciously realize that they have been thoroughly duped by the collective psycho-babble drivel and then desperately listen to every commercial that tells them that they are ‘Without’? Wouldn’t it stand to reason that if people really did have true ‘self-esteem’, commercials telling them how piteous they are without the ‘latest and coolest’ clothes-shoes-thingys-gizmos would have virtually no effect?

*Why---along the same line of reasoning---do they never use a woman over thirty-five for wrinkle cream commercials? You know why you look so good honey? BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT OLD!!! And yet WHY have I bought ten different brands of it myself, hoping each time for a dramatically different result? And, why do I fall for phrases like ‘serum’ and ‘hydrolic-revitalizers’? And, do you think Madison Avenue stinks on ice? (Discuss amongst yourselves.)

*How come, when you arrive early to the empty theater for a movie---in order to claim your favorite spot---does someone (with the whole theater to choose from) without fail owlishly make a bee-line to either sit right next to you or directly in front of, or behind you? This person will inevitably commence crunching, slurping and-or-speaking loudly into their cell phone before their double-wide butt has even fully lowered into their seat. Also if you did not choose to watch ‘Saw IV-Chain Saw-Slasher-Demon-Texas-Massacre’---and perhaps even if you did---they will often have two toddlers and a surly six-year-old in-tow. If they are behind you they will kick your seat. If they are beside you they will crumple their candy wrappers and whine, sneeze and cough on you repeatedly (and those are just the adults) and if---Lord help you---they are in front of you, each child will turn to stare at you, through all of the previews and half of the movie, with either large doleful eyes or a hostile, suspicious glare plus the bonus runny nose. Isn’t little Madison-Phineas-Caitlyn-Harlow-Isabella-Brody adorable? Feel free to make menacing gestures.

*Why is it appropriate to label larger sizes for women PLUS or QUEEN-SIZED or my favorite, FULL-FIGURED, but it is NOT appropriate to use these same terms for men’s apparel? You will never hear it said, “Well, George just cannot pull that look off, he is a KING-SIZE.” Or “Earl is a great guy with a wonderful personality, and such a handsome face, too bad he is so…FULL-FIGURED.” The closest they come is when they label the fat-little-boy’s section “husky”…oh but it’s okay, he’s “husky.” Just look at that future football player. If we bigger girls must endure the euphemisms, why not; ‘STATUESQUE’ or ‘ZAFTIG’ or possibly even the ‘REUBENESQUE’ section? Oh wait…how about a big old sign that just says ‘DANGEROUS CURVES AHEAD’?---Come on people, class it up! Tonya Willman ©2011