DEAR OBNOXIOUS LITTLE OLD MAN AT THE RED LOBSTER,

DEAR OBNOXIOUS LITTLE OLD MAN AT THE RED LOBSTER RESTAURANT;

       SINCE YOU FELT COMPELLED TO DELIBERATELY COME AND INSULT ME AT MY OWN BOOTH AFTER YOU HAD FINISHED YOUR MEAL, I THOUGHT I WOULD TAKE A MOMENT OUT OF MY DAY TO SHARE SOME TIMELESS OBSERVATIONS WITH YOU. FIRST THOUGH, LET ME PREFACE THIS LETTER WITH THE NEWS THAT IT IS A GOOD THING THAT I HAVE ALREADY WRITTEN A PIECE IN MY BLOG ENTITLED; “HEALTHY FORGIVENESS” SO I DO. I MEAN I DO FORGIVE YOU. EVEN THOUGH AT TIMES I MIGHT SEEM A LITTLE HARSH, ALMOST AS IF I DIDN’T. THIS IS NOT TRUE. I DO. FORGIVE YOU, I MEAN---

1.)    JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE OLD DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO STUMP ACROSS AN EATING ESTABLISHMENT AND MAKE PERSONAL REMARKS ABOUT  A PERSON’S FOOD CONSUMPTION OR THEIR SIZE. THIS IS UNSEEMLY AND IN SOME PLACES CAN END UP IN LARGE AMOUNTS OF BODILY HARM. I AM SURPRISED YOU HAVE NOT FIGURED THIS OUT BY NOW. I SAW THE SCARS, HAS AGE TAUGHT YOU NOTHING?

2.)    JUST BECAUSE YOU TRY TO WRAP THE INSULT IN AN AMUSING SIDE STORY OR A HEARTY LAUGH MAKES NO DIFFERENCE. RUDE IS RUDE.

3.)    JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE CANNOT COME BACK WITH AN IMMEDIATELY WITHERING RESPONSE, AND FINDS THEMSELVES LAUGHING IN EMBARRASSMENT AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE PRODUCED A WITTY BON- MOTT THAT YOU CAN USE AT-WILL IN ANY EATING ESTABLISHMENT OF YOUR CHOICE. IT WAS NOT FUNNY.

4.)    IF YOU PAUSE AS YOU WALK AWAY, POSSIBLY REALIZING THAT YOU WENT BEYOND THE PALE, AND THEN RETURN TO TELL, WHAT I BELIEVE YOU THOUGHT WAS A FILTHY JOKE ABOUT YOU, YOUR POODLE AND SOME WOMEN AT THE MALL, IT DOES NOT HELP. STOP IT! HOW CAN THAT POSSIBLY MAKE IT ANY BETTER?

5.)    PERHAPS YOU HAVE ALWAYS HAD THE SOCIAL GRACES OF A WILDEBEEST, WHO CAN KNOW? MAYBE YOU THINK THAT NOW THAT YOU ARE ANCIENT YOUR DAY TO BE UGLY AND CALL IT ‘ECCENTRIC’ HAS FINALLY COME. WELL IT HASN’T! ALSO YOUR SHIRT WAS HANGING OUT ON ONE SIDE!

6.)    THE IRONY OF YOUR SLOWNESS AS YOU STOPPED TO INFLICT EVEN MORE WITTY BANTER ON THE BELEAGUERED HOSTESS WHILE LEAVING, AND MY SWIFTNESS TO LEAVE THE SITE OF MY OWN HUMILIATION, CAUSING ANOTHER ENCOUNTER IN WHICH YOU ALMOST BACKED IN TO ME WITH YOUR HONDA  IS NOT LOST ON ME. HOWEVER I FEEL QUITE SURE THAT YOU WERE COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS. THAT MUST FEEL NICE.

7.)    IN THE FUTURE YOU MAY WANT TO BRING A CARE GIVER ALONG, PAID EXPRESSLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF TELLING YOU WHEN YOU HAVE WENT TOO FREAKING FAR!!!!

8.)    PERHAPS YOU HAVE READ THE POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER AND NOT CARING AND WEARING PURPLE AND ALL OF THE GRANDIOSE FEEL-GOOD NONSENSE IT CONTAINS TO TRY AND MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE THEY TRULY ARE IN THEIR ‘GOLDEN YEARS,’ BUT YOU KNOW ONLY TOO WELL THAT THIS IS SO MUCH TREACLY SENTIMENT, AND SO YOU USE YOUR PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE JOVIALITY TO SPREAD AS MUCH MISERY AS POSSIBLE.  ALL I CAN SAY IS YOUR POOR LITTLE ‘SERVER’ WAS CERTAINLY RELIEVED WHEN YOU LEFT.

9.)   FINALLY, PERHAPS AS SOME KIND OF RECONCILIATION, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT IF YOU WERE GOING TO STEP OUT IN FRONT OF A SPEEDING CAR, I WOULD WARN YOU.  IF YOU WERE GOING TO MISS A STAIR, I WOULD CATCH YOU, AND IF IT EVEN REMOTELY LOOKED LIKE, IN ANY WAY, THAT YOU WERE CHOKING, EVEN IF YOU WERE ONLY IN A MILD SPASM OF LAUGHTER AT YOUR OWN WIT, I WOULD HAPPILY PERFORM THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER ON YOU! AND I MEAN THAT SINCERELY!

Tonya Willman ©2010

Idols Of Fear

     Chapter 32 of Exodus speaks of the time in the desert when the Israelites were waiting for Moses to come back down from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments. When the people had been given the commandments verbally they had said “With one voice” that they would obey the Lord and worship no false gods or foreign idols. They had seen time and again glorious displays of God’s might and power. But, Moses had been gone for 40 days and they were getting restless and scared. They began to lose their faith. They began to believe that Moses wasn’t coming back and that God had left them.  So, they fell back to their ‘old’ ways. Ways of comfort that just felt naturally right to them.
     They told Aaron to make them a golden calf from melted down jewelry and gold that they could worship. When I read this my immediate response is to judge them. How could they witness such deliverance out of the hand of Pharaoh and be so quick to doubt? How could they witness the parting of the Red Sea and the glory of God’s presence and turn their backs on Him to seek false gods? How could they so quickly turn away from the true and living God to idols?
     But, when we ask the Lord to show us how something like this applies to our own lives, rest assured that He will! I immediately saw that there are times when He moves back from us. He is, of course, as near as ever, but we cannot feel Him. We may feel that our prayers are bouncing back to us like an undeliverable email. He waits. What will we do? Will we continue to remember Him in His glory? Will we continue in faith regardless of what the moment looks like?
     It is in our ‘old’ human nature to fill the void with something, actually almost anything. When we feel far away from Him, or that He is far away from us it can lead to deep discouragement and sometimes, full out panic. Think about it; The Israelites had been in slavery for 400 years in Egypt. They had been absorbed into a culture that reveled in its false gods. There were so many little man-made gods for every need and occasion. Living in this culture of iconic-idolism had become second nature to them, it felt natural. Even though they had just sworn allegiance to the one true God, they let their flesh and their fears take over as they began to ask themselves “where is God, where is Moses?”
    How easy it is to do that when God feels far away, when we don’t feel Him, or can’t ‘see’ the answer coming down the mountain for us. We become desperate to fill the void. The panic sets in as we let flesh and fear rule. We find ourselves seeking human solutions when the answers don’t feel like they’re coming quickly enough. We begin dashing about in our own strength trying to fix things. And far too often we look to other sources, little idols if you will, for our wisdom and comfort and for our help.
     It may be subtle at first, but the more our fears stir within us the less we can behold the power and cloak of His glory upon the mountain. He wants to see what we will do when these times come. His heart’s desire is that we stand in faith and trust. To continue to worship only Him and to not seek out other ‘easier’ solutions to our worries.  His desire is that we not wear ourselves out in fruitless attempts to fix things ourselves, this usually only makes everything that much worse. He asks us that we use no substitutions, no matter how innocent they may seem.
     Israel’s idol worship of the golden calf was blatant, shockingly ungrateful and disobedient. But, there are many kinds of idols. There are many subtle ways to replace God in moments of fear and weakness, when we just cannot feel His presence. Satan doesn’t just work in broad strokes. He is a master of subterfuge. He coaxes, and calls out that we have been abandoned, or even that we, in our sin, have done something so terrible that God will not hear us. Our culture invites us in, it says we don’t need God, nor do we need to ‘wait on Him’. There is so much more than Him out there to be had, to be relied upon.
      We would never melt our jewelry down to make an idol, but we can easily let the enemy melt our resolve to stand fast down.  We would not physically bow down to a ‘thing’, but our restless spirits can so easily bow to the pressures that surround us.
   Jesus says; “Enter my rest and trust me. Have faith that I will never leave you or forsake you, for I always know the best way out.” When we rest and wait and hold on it pleases the Father’s heart. He loves to joyously reward His obedient children. Oh, what blessings we can miss by not sitting still and waiting. Whether we like it or not we are steeped in our culture too. The question is; how will we chose to respond to the lonely places when we find ourselves waiting at the foot of the mountain?

Tonya Willman ©2010

Turning 50; A Very, Very Special Story.

So, I said I would blog about turning 50. I said I would call it 50 and fabulous! You know what; I say a lot of things….. It turns out 50 feels a lot like 49.99999, except with more bloat. Seriously.
      I am not saying that I do not have the best family in the world, I do. I am not saying that we didn’t all set out to have a swell day, we did. But somewhere along the way, and I feel sure I know exactly where that point was, things plummeted south like an earth-bound meteorite.
    We drove to Yreka for lunch, a little shopping and a little walk around the pond at Greenhorn Park. I chose a great restaurant for lunch (my day, my choice).  Unfortunately it turns out it was packed out; apparently by the “Royal Order of-Trash Tonya’s Birthday-Club” (ROTTBC, Lodge #324). So we went to my second choice, which shall remain nameless because it really probably wasn’t their fault. Plus, the elderly little waitress was very nice and brought me a complimentary piece of carrot cake with a candle in it!
     So my first mistake was to choose the salad bar---on my birthday!!!--- When what I really wanted was pastrami on sourdough with kraut, a pickle, thousand island and a few fries.  Well, here is something I already knew, without being too personal: lettuce in most salad bars makes Tonya unwell, and by unwell I mean; it is as though live, extremely playful, squirrels are frolicking through my bowels. I am sure it is caused by whatever they put on the lettuce to keep it from turning that unappetizing rusty brown.
     Now, here is where I may have made my tragic mistake, I thought; this is such a homey little restaurant, not one of those big buffet chains. Aaaaaaaaah it’ll be fine!  This was actually accompanied by the*dismissive hand gesture* and everything.  Why, I’ll make the healthy choice, I thought!
     Those of you familiar with the literary device of foreshadowing have already surmised the outcome. Usually within less than a half an hour after I have eaten any lettuce that has been given the ‘treatment’  I begin to feel the cold-clammy-sweats coming on, followed by the happy, playful bowel squirrels, followed by the urgent need for a restroom.
      Well, it just went off like clockwork!!!  Fittingly enough we were in Wal-Mart when it all came down. (No pun intended). We all always split up in the wonder that is Wal-Mart, because much like Disneyland, there is just too much to see! So, not wanting to spoil all the fun for the fam, I uneasily set off by myself.  I managed approximately 4.5 minutes of shopping, after that it is pretty much all a blur with much scurrying on my part
    After the initial storm broke I managed to find a bench to rest on as I perspired freely. I actually had sweet little clerks coming up to me asking me if I was okay and offering to bring me water! I kept saying, with the brightest and probably the most sickliest smile I could muster, “No, no, I’m fine really.” which would cause them to scurry away in a worried manner.
      My only thought was to find my family. I imagine it was a bit like being lost on the streets of Calcutta with a case of the Curry-Crud, thinking “Dear Lord, if I could just find someone who understands me…” Well, lo-and-behold there they were! My Bee-u-ti-ful family! They had been looking for me as well, since I had been gone long enough for a quick perusal of War and Peace.
    God bless ‘em, they know the look and went straight into action. My son walked with me out to the car and my husband and daughter got everything paid for. Tragically, all I had gotten the time to pick out for myself before everything… hit the fan, and here the irony is exquisite, was a new hairbrush and some Metamucil wafers!!!!!
     So, no walk in the park. No slow meandering back-road ride home. My husband pretty much got me home as fast as a pukey prom date!  But the good news is; this malady wears off in just a few hours or so, yay. And after I gulped mass quantities of Alka-Seltzer and rested with the heating pad on my stomach, we did play Farkle (an awesome dice game) and watch some season 5 of Criminal Minds. My son snorked most of the planned pizza dinner and My husband tried to stay awake as long as he could. I myself pondered the wonders of turning 50 and decided that it is not as great as my older friends have been making it out to be.  I also definitely decided to abandon all healthy choices from this point on!

Tonya Willman ©2010

Divine Appointments

“Love is the duty of the present moment.”   ~~Jean Pierre de Caussade

 “No Matter what else we may have planned, love is our duty. ‘Who is my neighbor?’ I ask.  Jesus answers; ‘The person in need I am sending your way.’”  ~~David Roper, O.D.B

   These quotes are about divine appointments.  We never know when or where they will come. God works in the deep unsearchable places in our hearts and in the universe. He has a plan for everything.  He wants to use you. He wants to keep you prepared. Are you prepared?
     Here is how you will know if you are prepared; you have your day planned, but so does God. What if these plans don’t line up? If God sends delays like; losing your car keys, hitting every red light or being behind Grandma Moses who is doing at least 10 m.p.h below the speed limit, how do you react?
    If you’ve spent time with Him in the morning as a start to your day and asked for His power and presence to fill you up and strengthen you, then it is certain you will behave in a completely different way than if you had ran out of the house in a hurry, forgetting to even say ‘Good Morning’ to Him. If you are surrendered to Him you will have peace. Not only that; you will be relaxed in the situation, and maybe even excited. What is He about to do?
    “Who is my neighbor?” Who is He sending my way? Only He knows. But nothing happens by accident in God’s economy. All the times I have spent fuming about delays and unhappy over a day’s plans lost are just shameful to me. If you have tried to turn right and He sent you left, there is a reason….You are about to meet your neighbor!
     Maybe you are supposed to offer aid. Maybe Grandma Moses made it to the grocery store and cannot reach the toilet paper on the top shelf. Maybe someone just needs a listening ear, or even a kind smile. And sometimes, oh, sometimes, we get to actually tell someone about the love of Christ and His sacrifice for us on the cross. But of course, that is only by a very special divine appointment.
   Don’t try to force God’s hand. Let Him play it out and you will walk in perfect peace. He has the most wonderful plans for you; exciting adventures and stories to tell at the end of the day about what He has done through your simple willingness. Your willingness to let Him rearrange your schedule is all He asks. He will do the rest.
   Are you ever out in public, say, at a store or the bank or another place of business, and you just see someone that draws you? They pull at your spirit and it could be for a hundred different reasons;  but you absolutely know you need to speak to them or do something for them. You can ignore it. It is the easiest thing to do. I have done it so many times to my regret. I have thought so often; ‘why didn’t I just go do this or that for that person’? I missed my divine appointment. I lost out! Now another one of His children will be called upon, will feel the prompt. But I won’t get the blessing. Too bad, so sad! God never forces our hand.
     God’s motto was “be prepared” WAY before the Boy Scouts borrowed it! Get ready! Get ready to meet your neighbor because you can never see the divine appointments coming--- Jesus is like that. Reading the Gospels shows me; He always made time for divine appointments. It didn’t matter how impatient his disciples became He made the time to reach out, to love, to comfort, to heal, to help, because He is love.
    It is not about doing great things for God, but about being available to let Him do even the smallest things through you. Is it possible to keep these divine appointments in our own strength? Absolutely not, but a surrendered child of God is a force to be reckoned with! How exciting is a day of detours?  Who knows what He will do? That is divine!

Tonya Willman ©2010

The Maker of the Universe. ~Phil Keaggy~

I know that I always write my own pieces, but I had to share this poem. It was printed in J. Vernon McGee’s book; entitled “Who is God?” But he is not the author of the poem. These are lyrics by a writer named Phil Keaggy.

The Maker of the universe,
 as man, for man, was made a curse.
The claims of law which He had made,
unto the uttermost He paid.
His holy fingers made the bough
which grew the thorns that crowned His brow.
The nails that pierced His hands were mined
in secret places He designed.
He made the forest whence there sprung
the tree on which His body hung.
He died upon a cross of wood
yet made the hill on which it stood.
The sky that darkened o’er His head,
by Him above the earth was spread.
The sun that hid Him from God’s face,
by His decree was poised in space.
The spear that spilled His precious blood
was tempered in the fires of God.
The grave in which His form was laid
was hewn in rocks His hands had made.
The throne on which He now appears
was His from everlasting years.
But a new glory crowns His brow,
and every knee to Him shall bow.

 ~~~Phil Keaggy~~~

Seasonal Negotiations

Dear Autumn;

     It is my sincere hope that we can work out a deal this year. As you know I have nothing against you. You are lovely with your clear sunny days and crisp, chilly nights.  I know, I know, everybody is waiting for that one frosty night that will bring out all the wondrous colors--- Whatever.
     This is not my issue with you. No, the bone I have to pick is that you seem so vibrant and lively. Much in the same way salmon do as they briskly swim upstream to spawn. But we both know it is a big fat lie! You are the harbinger of the year winding down. You are the precursor to the dead winter months which lead me to the depths of despair.
     No. All of your beautiful colors, and the wood smoke, and the pumpkins, and the smell of apples and cinnamon, and blah, blah, blah won’t keep the bare, dead branches of winter from scraping at my windows!  Oh, you like to lure me in. Sure it’s fun taking those walks through the crunchy golden leaves. So what, fickle Fall! They may as well be cornflakes, because pretty soon it will all turn to snowflakes.Oh I can hear everyone out there now: wheeee-hoo, snow! Yeah? Woopty-freaking-doo.Everybody’s all; Snow angels and fairy, fairy, twinkle, twinkle.
      Excuse me while I spew on my parka! Winter is the ogre that chews on your bones. Winter is the gloom when the power goes out for three days and nights and turns everyone in your house into mole-people. Winter is the slushy, nasty, cinder-filled-black crud that passes for ‘snow’. Winter is being snow bound with cabin fever until, even though you have plenty of food, you begin to sympathize with the Donner Party. All the little foibles of the family, oh-so-cute any other time; become oh-so-intolerable.
     Especially after all the batteries have died and the candles all have burned away, and you’ve read everything in the house for the fourth time, even the hot water heater instructions….Speaking of which; you’ve actually had no hot water for days and the dogs are also trapped inside until everything begins to smell like an over-heated canine armpit!
     There is nothing quite like sitting down to a dinner of glop that you have whipped up on the wood stove, because the power is out AGAIN, and then enjoying the ear-buzzing background of silence while you listen to every one slurping up their food like famished wolverines. It is also a treat to eventually find yourself burying your freezer items in the snow, because your pork chops are getting floppy!
      And PLEASE Autumn, do not get me started on all the trees, so gaily colored in October that come crashing down on frigid January nights, waking you from a sound sleep in much the same way as a noisy home invasion. First you hear the splitting and cracking, then the big earth-shaking WHOMP!!!! If that is not enough to cause the onset of Irritable Bowel Syndrome then I don’t know what is! We still have a four foot crater in our back yard from last winter’s spectacularly horrifying crash of our mighty oak, giant root system and all! Oh sure, Bill has planted stuff in it and, I even stuck my infamous Pink Flamingos there…but it’s still just a crater where my lovely tree lived.
      So I was thinking; is there ANY way that you could just hold out for a bit longer? Maybe you could go into negotiations with winter? Possibly bribe the hag to be a bit nicer. “How about more rainy days and fewer blizzards….” You could ask seductively, whilest preening like a peacock dressed in crimson, gold and cherry brown. You’ve heard of May-December romances, right? Well maybe you could get Spring interested in the old girl’s bones a bit early, with some soothing flattery, and promises of special favors you will pay to next Summer….Since Spring and Summer are such close friends, this might peak some interest.
     I’m desperate here, Autumn. Be sweet to me! We could be such chums. Even though your number is already up, I am prepared to spend LOTS of extra time with you in complete and utter denial. Hold on to those red and golden leaves. Don’t give in! I will dance passionately in them and make acorn pudding ; (though I don’t even know if that is a real thing. We may have learned it in school as some Indian legend. But I digress.) Oh Autumn, the point is that I cannot move to a sunnier climb. I cannot go to Hawaii, even though I would be stunning in a muu muu. You are my only hope. You and the S.A.D light that I am going to have my doctor order. Which I shall continuously sit under all the snowy, sloppy, rainy days until I look like a crispy, golden brown turkey!!!!! SEE how it all comes back around!    
     Wait, where are you going? Hey---- Fine! Go fling yourself out there in all of your self-denial and splendor!  See if I care!

Tonya Willman ©2010

Days of Leaves

I want to chase that cloud and that bright star.
I want the days back,
but they fly away like leaves
swirl away from the trees in the autumn winds.
And who ever knows it in their youth?
Who ever reasons it out in time?
Was there ever a youth that wise,
who knew to love the day soley for what it was,
to live in that moment as though it were a ray of sunlight?
Why does the knowing always work backwards?
~~

Tonya Willman ©2010

Translating Shakespeare

It is amazing how much of Shakespeare’s Hamlet’s soliloquy, “To be or not to be” is in our culture, as book and movie titles, requoted in essays, songs and stories hundreds of times. Shakespeare can be tricky, what with all the Iambic-pentameter and stuff... As a public service I will now translate this passage for all of you who have been plagued with sleepless nights over this issue:

To Be, Or Not To Be (Spoken by Hamlet, Act 3 Scene 1)

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
I have run out of Prozac and this cliff is tempting…
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
Do I put up with the person in the express line who clearly
has more than 10 objects or just pull out my verifiably
registered handgun?And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
I cannot stand another minute of this store’s wretched
Muzak. Having to listen to Mambo #5 is bad enough,
but to have to listen to it performed by
the canned, sleep-inducing, rhythmically impaired
anonymous white people, is more than I can bear.
 I plan to end it all in the produce aisle,
possibly with a very sharp pineapple!To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
But what if it is a failed attempt? Talk about the friggin’
hospital bills, they’d be a nightmare!
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
But then again, if I succeed, there goes my cruise
tickets for Cancun next month! Dang it!
I happen to know they are non-refundable,
AND non-transferrable. Plus, I would miss
the “all you can eat shrimp” buffet, and
the special “party like a Rock Star with
Rick Astley” night!
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
What to do???? All I want is to lie down in the
parking lot with a big box of Malomars. It’s
like this freaking day will never end!!!
First, I get busted at work for playing FreeCell and
sending out dirty emails, and then I step in gum!!!!The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
And the humiliation of my work-crush
pointing out that I had my dress tucked
 into the back of my panty hose when I came out of
the bathroom was just too much!!!
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
 Talk about wanting to DIE! With my bare
bodkin hanging out and everything?
It didn’t help that I had that burrito for lunch either.
What a time for a case of the fardles!To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
I dunno though, suicide... it’s pretty permanent.
What if I get up there and my bare bodkin’s still hanging out?
I could NOT take the eternal mortification!Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
Oh well, bite me co-workers, and you too
Stanley the copy boy! I know for a fact your
tie was sticking out of your zipper last week!
And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.
Who cares if Stanley likes Ophelia better than
me anyway! She is such a stinking nymph, and all
her little friends that hang around her, bunch of
La-di-da orisons! Oh dear lord,
They are never going to let me forget this!!!

Tonya Willman ©2010

Healthy Forgiveness

     As I was praying and thinking about The Lord’s Prayer(which should actually be called the disciple’s prayer) God showed me a truth I hadn’t thought about before. When Jesus says “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” He means right now, immediately.  At the very moment when the wrong is done to us we must to let it go. (1 Corinthians 6:7)

     Recently a man tailgated me on the freeway. I was doing 65 in the left hand lane and passing a slower car.  The man that came roaring up on my car came so close to getting me. All I could see was grill in my rearview mirror. Up comes that adrenalin rush made up of a mixture of fear and anger, and also a smidge of bewilderment. He literally seemed to fly up from nowhere. I whipped back into the right hand lane as soon as I could, laying on my own horn the whole time!

     As they flew by the passenger was screaming at me. What, I don’t know, obscenities I think. I yelled back something like “You almost ran me over you Jerk!!!” Even with everything happening in that knifes-edge of a moment I thought “Where is the Christian response in this? Where is the gentle heart of Jesus? All the yelling and screaming went great with the Christian fish on the back of my car….I’ve been feeling pretty discouraged since then but the Lord showed me my mistake.

    Forgiveness. I guess I always think that somehow this is for later after I have had a chance to sob, whine , shout, pout, rant, and seek someone else out to say “There, There.” Or whatever I feel I need to do to deal with the situation (fill in blank) in which I have been wronged, and THEN *sniff, sniff* I can forgive….maybe.

   But, the Lord showed me that the reason I failed with my temper and reaction with that crazy driver and his friend is because forgiveness is supposed to be immediate. Yes, only Christ has the power to do that, but He wants to give it to me too, in fact He is eager to bestow it on me. This is my Savior who, as He hung on the cross, said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” Right then, in all of His agony! And I know that as we walk surrendered in Him He supplies that same power to us.

    But, if we somehow think we have the time, privilege or the right to hold on to, nurse or coddle those feelings, of hurt, rage and unforgiveness that come with the injustices done towards us then we feel much freer to respond in the flesh. “I’ll forgive, Lord, I will. I just can’t yet.” But Jesus says, “Yes you can and you must, because I will do the forgiving through you if you let me.”

   I am really praying for the Spirit’s insight and power to recognize the need in the moment. I can be caught up so quickly and in full blown fight-mode before I even realize it. He wants me aware in His Spirit all of the time, because immediate forgiveness leads to immediate peace. The victory is to have no lag time between His command to forgive and what my heart and my mouth say about it. James 1:19 says “So then my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath.” This is definitely not always my strength. Bu,t through my Savior I can do this. Anger and brooding makes stress and stress makes you sick! Jesus wants us to forgive for so many reasons, even if the person we forgive could care less. We do it for God, we do it for ourselves, and we do it to stop the enemy from injecting the poison of unforgiveness straight into our souls. I want a healthy mind, body and soul.  I want an unbroken connection with my Lord. And I do not want the stress and bad feelings that unforgiveness brings.  That’s just how Jesus made us!

Tonya Willman ©2010

The delicious unknown

A fat little baby sat on a chair,

his mother had posed him in the garden, fair.

The sun shone bright on his curls so sweet,

dimpled hands clasped, and crossed little feet.

His precious sailor’s suit so bright.

His angel’s smile a ray of light.

A sepia moment frozen in time,

found at a shop for scarcely more than a dime.

Who was the man he'd then grew to become,

a captain of souls or a wretch in the slum?

These aged photos I find of strangers to me,

give me hope when I think of who they could be.

All of life is cause and effect, so they say,

so Then who they became shapes lives to this day.

Who knows, when I study that sweet little face,

if somehow through his history, even I have seen grace.

For good or for bad, he fascinates me……

That beautiful child on his mother’s knee.

Tonya Willman ©2010

Oddly Malingering

     Okay, So we were watching a Dateline show about this doctor who killed his wife, and tried to say that it was because he was an insane cross-dresser who had been abused as a child, and his sister hadn’t been, and so if he took his wife’s birth control pills and dressed up in her clothes, he would then be like his sister, and could tell himself he was not the one who was abused!

     WOW! I will say, he was extremely odd. His mannerisms were odd, his looks were odd, and his behavior was totally odd. Why anyone would seek him out as a physician, let alone a husband is beyond comprehension.  Now, okay; this oddddddd behavior is the crux of the case.

     The defense, of course, painted him as crazier than a crap-house rat. BUT the prosecution said,’ Back the mental-facility wagon up!’ They said a picture of a guy in some heels and a wig proved nothing! They said that his claims of taking her birth control pills were bogus, and that blasting her with a shot gun in front of her brother and the babysitter was completely premeditated.

    Of course he underwent rigorous psychiatric testing and observation.  This is what I love; they had this great psychologist who watched him oh-so-carefully. Apparently when he (the murdering, cross-dressing -birth- control- pill-popping defendant) didn’t think anyone was watching he behaved perfectly normal. But, when he had his crazy-game on he would squench his eyes shut tight so he didn’t have to look at anybody, and cover his face with his hands, and then churn them through his long greasy hair. We got to witness this for ourselves when he took the stand. It was spectacular! Malingering ….that’s what the psychologist called his behavior. Sweet! Malingering is the technical term for FAKING!!!!!

    All of you probably knew that. You probably use that word on a daily basis. I was grossly ignorant of this awesome term….’malingering’.  Malingering/aka…BIG FAT FAKER!  If I had heard the word without its definition, I would have pictured someone succumbing to a case of the vapors or possibly lingering around the house due to some wretched malady, and I don’t know why…it’s just what it sounds like to me. But no! Ha Ha! I plan to use this word in casual conversation whenever possible. Such as; “Sir, you have parked your car in this handicapped spot, however, based on the fact that you are lifting those fifty pound sacks of dog food into your trunk, and squatting with ease, I believe you are malingering”, or “You big fat malingerer! That neck brace is clearly made of Papier-mâché!”

   Anyway, so as you probably guessed they convicted the malingering weirdo doctor of first degree murder and sentenced him to life in prison. However, and this one is your call, he hung himself in his prison cell about five years later….What’s it all mean? Was he really crazy? Was he overwhelmed with remorse for his crimes? Was he somebody’s favorite inmate, if you receive my meaning, and if so, how does that effect the cross dressing mia-culpa?

    Oh sure, I know what you’re thinking, Tonya, you sound so callous, these were real people! This isn’t just some crime show like C.S.I or Criminal Minds (the best show ever! Season premiere tonight @9:00) How can you treat this as just so much entertainment!  Well, I really don’t……I am such a malingerer!

Tonya Willman ©2010

The Comforter

Jesus without thee we are orphaned and lonely

Come as our teacher and guide.

Leave us not comfortless, send us the comforter.

Come to our hearts to abide.

                               ~~~A.B. Simpson

“It is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away the Counselor will not come to you. But if I go I will send Him to you.” John 16:7  (Jesus Christ, speaking of the Holy Spirit.)

He will direct our way: “And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, this is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left.” Isaiah 30:21 KJV

    The old hymn that says, “What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear.” is the epitome of who the Holy Spirit is. For He is none other than the actual Spirit of Jesus Christ living inside of me. ME!!! And You!!! How amazing is that. He is my friend. He is my comforter. He is the only one that can sustain true joy in my heart. If my joy or happiness is circumstantial, then the least little thing can unsettle me. I know this all to well.  Going along, happy as can be, somebody else is grumpy, somebody says a thoughtless or unkind thing and there goes my joy! Because that kind of joy is external. It does not come from the deep places in my spirit in which the Holy Spirit dwells. His joy is not based on externals. His joy has nothing to do with a good ‘hair’ day or if the mail-man brings good or bad news.

   His joy is above all of that. And, if I stay close to Him, very close. And if I rest in Him, truly rest.  (see Hebrews 4) That joy will be constantly available to me. That kind of joy says “It matters not the circumstances, or the attitudes of those around me. What matters is that my Lord loves and sustains me.” It is supernatural. It comes from the very Throne of Grace.

   Where are my eyes fixed? If they are constantly roaming from circumstance, to person, to mood, to event, to self, if they are not firmly fixed on the One who is the author and finisher of my salvation, peace and faith, then I am doomed to be blown about by every wind of emotion and drama that comes my way.

    The word speaks of Jesus as our foundation. His Spirit anchors me, and in the best possible way. Do I want to fly and soar? Absolutely, but only on His wings. The worst possible state of mind is when I am constantly tossed about by circumstance and the whims and moods of others, like a helpless leaf pushed along by a fractious wind.

   No. Better to be that ship that sails gracefully and steadily, even through treacherous waters because her Captain cannot fail. And when she needs to moor, and be still, her Anchor never slips, it never fails, and it never will, because her anchor is Christ. That is the friendship of the Holy Spirit. He is the Spirit of my friend and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Tonya Willman ©2010

  

 

The Light

 “Come to the Light, ‘tis shining for thee,

Sweetly the Light has dawned upon me,

Once I was blind, but now I can see-

The light of the world is Jesus.” ~~~Bliss

    “The night is far spent, the day is at hand therefore let us cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light….put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provisions for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.” Romans 13: 12, 14

     You are the light Jesus….You are my armor of light! To put you on, as my armor, daily is to shine Your beautiful light on the darkness of the path in front of me, as well as into the dark corners of my mind, soul and spirit.

      Oh shine on me Lord, Fill me up Holy Spirit. Transform me by the renewing of my mind, even my very thoughts.

    Last night’s T.V. was garbage. And even though two were my very favorite shows they both had highly sexual content. I need to know when to turn it off! Forgive me Lord, and renew my mind in this area too.

   I need to protect my mind and body as your temple, for so it is my ‘reasonable service’, my duty to make all of my choices in a way that pleases and honors You. As I live and move and have my being in that armor of Light may I remember:

    My eyes and what I choose to see are Yours.

    My Mouth and what I choose to speak are Yours.

    My hands and what I choose to do are Yours.

    My ears and what I choose to hear are Yours.

    My feet and where I choose to go are Yours.

    My mind and all the thoughts I choose to think are Yours.

“For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die, to the Lord. Whether we live or die, we are the Lords.” Romans 14:8

This Light I now live in, and will live in for eternity, Oh it is beautiful. Thank you Jesus, and I am so looking forward to the day that I may see every single color and facet in that beautiful radiance, that is You, that is the Light.

Tonya Willman ©2010

  

Don't fear the Prober

   My kids are watching a program on alien abduction. Can some body please explain to me why these aliens almost always; A) visit folks waaaaay out in the woods, B) insist on probing these abductees, and by ‘probing’ I do not mean heavy questioning, and C) tend to come back and revisit these very same folks at random times for further ‘inquiries’?

   It appears that hoards of inter-galactic perverts have been roaming the universe violating random life forms. Humans are obviously their favorites and they seem to consider us as some kind of kinky ‘Club-Med’. My theory is that these are actually evil Star-Trek-esque galactic pirates on some kind of freaky shore leave.

    It is also highly suspicious that they always attempt to ‘suppress’ the memories of the abductees, but never quite manage it. Either this makes them totally inept, or they are using their interstellar memory-twister 3000, (Photonizer not included) to relive the moment. Every time they want a good chuckle they just point it at earth, hit the button and then roll on the floor laughing in a puddle of their own green drool, as some guy named ‘Earl’ with a total of three teeth , has 5.67 seconds of total clarity before it all goes ‘fuzzy’ again. “Dang Edna, I almost had it that time…fetch me that bottle. my nerves is just all riled up!”

    There also appears to be a whole group of psychologists who secretly believe they are Special Agent Fox Mulder, and if they can just put these folks under a little hypnosis, and perhaps a wee dose of Rohypnol, the truth will be up there, excuse me, I mean out there. Well of course they get the MOST amazing stories out of these sessions. Much in the same way you or I would get to the truth if we were to, say, enjoy a fifth of Jack Daniels, seek someone out with a medical marijuana license, and dance naked around a bon-fire. Just think what you might remember in years to come!

    *(Pause for a brief politically correct moment) To all you ‘abductees’ out there who might stumble upon this blog; I completely support your right to your claims of violation by the bigheads!!! Stand proudly by your story; proclaim it loudly and vehemently to everyone who will listen! Especially seek out Wal-Mart shoppers; rest assured there will always be someone there with a phone camera, ready to believe you!

Tonya Willman ©2010

      

Moving Forward

     Focusing on self and all of its flaws only leads to discouragement. One cannot undo past sins even if they happened only five minutes ago. But also, if  believer’s actions, words, thoughts and deeds,are holy and righteous should we get the credit for them?  Only God deserves the glory, because it is He who empowers us to perform any good thing. And conversely, anything which is done for His Kingdom in our own puny power is useless.

     When the believer’s actions, words, thoughts and deeds are bad, when we blow it and grieve the Lord should we wallow in, or dwell on our failures? Does it help for one moment to stew in self-condemnation or judgement from others? The answer lies within a certain question.

     The question is; what is the difference, in the life of a believer, between conviction and condemnation? Conviction is from Christ. It is quick and clean and specific. He uses it precisely to tell you what you have done wrong. There is no guessing; only your decision about what you will do with it. Conviction leads to repentance, grace and forgiveness. It moves us forward, forgetting the past and pressing on.

     Condemnation is from the enemy. It is false and vague and leaves us uneasy and unable to name exactly why we feel the way we do….we just know we feel ‘bad’. It keeps us perpetually feeling guilty. Wallowing in remorse, wishing to go back and retrieve the irretrievable. If you cannot name a specific action you feel guilty about, but only a vague troubling ‘badness’ which you find yourself mulling over endlessly, that is condemnation.

     We cannot ever reclaim the wasted moment, nor can we ever hope to make ourselves and our actions always understood by those around us. More importantly it is NOT our job to try to make others understand or accept us. God always moves us forward. Only we, and the enemy, keep ourselves stuck.

     The Lord gives us a fresh start with every beat of our hearts. Our Eternal Creator is ever fresh and new. The Apostle Paul said “Brothers I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14. God always seeks to keep us moving, never dwelling on actions, words thoughts and deeds already done, whether good or bad.

    To witness a good thing done, either through ourselves or to see the blessings flowing from others causes us to rejoice when we know it all comes from God’s hand. However; it is both foolish and dangerous to sit on our laurels in self-congratulation, or to over dwell on others in admiration. Where did the shining deed come from? It always originates in the good heart and hand of our Father.

     To witness a bad thing, either done to us, or by us, or to a loved one is painful. To know we’ve been the cause of it is searing. God asks us not to sit too long here either. If we do; we find that the light has faded and we are sitting in shadow.

     Did I wander off the path? If so, should I go back and try to retrace my steps, agonizing over ever thoughtless, painful move? No! The Miracle is that God keeps the path ever before us. Did you step off? To repent and trust His leading is to find yourself instantly back on that beautiful road. How amazing is His mercy. Sometimes we move through the sunlight, sometimes the shadow, but we are pilgrims on a journey home. We keep moving forward.

Tonya Willman ©2010

    

Unknown~But Lovely

I read

In a book

Where a man called

Christ

Went about doing good

It is very disconcerting

To me

That I am so easily

Satisfied

With just…

Going about

     Author Unknown~~

     I love this poem. It reminds me, as I tromp along through each day, that He has given me a very specific purpose. May I NEVER forget it!

Dear AARP

Dear AARP.

    Thank you for the lovely letter. Imagine my surprise at finding it in my mailbox when I had been expecting my ‘Hair Bands of the 80’s—Pure Rock, vol.2’ CD.  It was just like finding a bright shiny quarter when you are looking for the twenty dollar bill you misplaced!

    I am so sorry I didn’t get to open it sooner, since it was the elephant in the room, you would have thought I’d have gotten right to it. But once I opened it, it was just like Christmas morning as a child!

   First (for just the low price of $16.00 one dollar bills) I got my shiny new laminated card that does, in fact, tell the world that I am eligible for the senior coffee at Micky D’s! And ALSO, I was stunned, so much more…..!

   Like: “Community Programs and Services” Translation: Meals-on-Wheels, and valuable discounts at the “Scooter Store”

            “A Spokesperson for your rights.”   Translation: My own lobbyist in D.C. threatening a Ben-Gay enema, and slippers full of Polident to all legislators who will not comply with my demands! This could be fun, but since I won’t see any Social Security until it has been completely flushed down the governmental crapper by everyone before me, I just can’t get too excited.

           “Access to health-related benefits” Translation: One pair of Mr. Magoo glasses yearly, all the adult diapers I can store. Diabetic testing supplies, even if I don’t need them. (They make great hand-crafted gift items!), And Home-Delivery of all the above items, in discreet packaging, with brightly colored lettering for the UPS man to showcase on my front porch!

         “Access to Financial Programs.” Translation: WAIT- I see as part of this package that you will (seriously) insure my motorcycle! Please hold, while I laugh until someone takes pity and comes to wipe the drool away. Every kind of insurance available is listed here, except …Death, I mean Life Insurance. Is this your stab at irony???? We are not amused.

        “”Discounts on Travel.” Translation: Valuable coupons for the Senior’s Cruises on The Princess Anastasia Cruise liners. The itineraries including, Shuffleboard, duck, duck, GOOSE, All the soup you can eat, Rousing games of Denture Swap, with hilarious pictures posted on Facebook, Water Aerobics with Sven (arm floaties required) Seminars with subjects such as; “Dealing with hearing loss, “NO! I SAID ACUTE ANGINA, NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!)”  “The Movie Cocoon; fact or fantasy?” “How to dress up your walker for the holidays” and “Seven foods to avoid if you would like to avoid being turned inside out.”

PLUS!!! AS A BONUS! The invaluable AARP monthly magazine, to be proudly displayed on your coffee table in a fan-shaped presentation!

Oh look! I even have my own authorization code…..Dear AARP, I will decline at present, thank you for these valuable offers, but I am still trying to figure out what Victoria’s secret actually is….plus, I haven’t even begun to work all the way through my Buns of Steel video…. So with all due respect, AUTHORIZE THIS!

                                 Sincerely, Tonya Willman

Tonya Willman ©2010

The River

     Life rushes on, It flows like a river in a swift current. But it doesn’t just flow around sweeping you off your feet and sending you pell-mell, flailing wildly down stream. No, even if you catch your footing and keep your feet anchored to the bedrock, and your head above water, even then it flows through you.

     You feel it in a thousand places every day, deep in your bones and sinews and flooding your mind with thoughts both wanted and unwanted. Sometimes it flows more gently, so that you can take a breath and enjoy the moment of the sunlit reflections and swirling colors. Lots of times it speeds so swiftly around and through you that all you can do is focus on managing the treacherous currents.

     Sometimes, if it’s intentional, drifting can be good. The bright shiny sparkles on it’s surface can be pure bliss. But I hate careless drifting and then losing my footing on the good and blessed bedrock.

     The job given by God is not to flail about uselessly in life’s currents, or paddle about mindlessly in its shallows. But to joyously swim in its cool wide flow, helping others if by chance, you see, they too are struggling against the currents.

   Lord, help me not to be discouraged as life’s currents flow through my body, battering it against the rocks and shores. Help me to trust You for everything in my life until the river flows to it’s final destination, to the beautiful, blessed shores where you wait for me. Amen~

Tonya Willman ©2010

Unless He builds the house

“Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.

Unless the Lord guards the City, the watchman stays awake in vain

It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows;

For so He gives His beloved sleep.”

                                          Psalm 127:1-2

     I love the comfort and peace these verses bring. They give me the ability to have sweet rest as I lay my head on my pillow at night. If He is our builder, if He is our guard we have no need to worry, in fact we must not fret, but only rest in God.

Walking with God

        So, I was thinking about how needy we all are, (don’t deny it), and if not needy then certainly “want-y.” I’m sure we were never created to be so needy.  I asked the Lord about this, and thought of the fall of Adam & Eve in Genesis. I wondered; if they hadn’t blown it, and we were still walking with God in the pure way He intended, if sin had not ruined it, what would we be now? It is beyond imagination. The needs would be completely different because there would have been no taint of evil, no curse of the fall.

       Oh Eve, you gullible thing! If she had only ignored Satan (the serpent) and refused his lie which was: “that she would know all that God knows”, and become “like God”, she would have actually attained, in time, by walking with God, the very things the devil lied to her about. Would she have actually become a ‘god’? No. But she would have grown in knowledge and wisdom and grace to be one of the most magnificent creations of His hand. The World wants to be SO much more than it is, but it just wants to leave God out of the transformation. That’s soooo Eve, and Adam as well. She was deceived, but he rebelled knowingly. It amazes me. They walked with God in the Garden, and then threw it all away…

     But, Good News! Through Christ, God picked that thread back up, and continues it with us. Is it a sinful, fallen world now? Um, Yes. But God means to finish what He starts!  As Christians, God wants us to become more like Him every day, the closer we are to Him the more we reflect His image. He longs for us to be the very creations we were meant to be before the fall. The moment we become believers His Holy Spirit begins this work of transformation, earnestly working in us as new creatures in Christ. We slowly begin taking on His likeness, but like Eve, we want it NOW. (The Veruca Salt of woman-kind!)We are so impatient and gullible. So ready to believe the lies that seem to advance us in our self, and pride

     But, oh, she could have had it all, PLUS, the sweet friendship of God. Though we always want the quickest, easiest way out God is never in a hurry. The key is to match our step with His. Hebrews 4 tells us, as believers, to enter His rest, i.e. do not worry, because worry and faith cannot exist together, worry is really unbelief. If there is no belief that God will hold you up, how do you rest?

   God will continue His purpose that we become more Christ-like, more holy every moment of our lives. We can either relax on the Potter’s wheel as He shapes and molds us, or it can feel like being on the anvil under the hammer.

   Animals struggle under a gentle hand until they realize it is there to help and not hurt. Do you struggle? I totally do when things seem scary or out of control, I find myself wanting to protect ‘self’ at all costs. But the sweet, blessed peace of trusting Him and relaxing in God is a divine thing. There is nothing like it.

     So why do I pick the worry back up again? Because I am related to Eve, one of her many foolish daughters who will not wait, will not trust. The only cure for this malady of sin that I have inherited is to enter into that lovely rest, to walk daily with God in His ‘garden’. For me, it is an oasis in the madness of the world.  ~~Tonya Willman.

        “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, behold all things have become new.” 2 Corinthians5:17

Tonya Willman ©2010

     

   

She's got the look.

SPARROWSMUSE SEPTEMBER 16, 2010

                                            SHE'S GOT THE LOOK

According to the latest statistics a woman is supposed to have fat hair and a thin body. Apparently my genes did not receive the memo. They also, seemingly, did not receive the memo about the allure of small feet and a big butt. As you well know it is all the rage right now to have some “junk in the trunk”. Sadly, my feet are actually wider than my hips.

     I tend to skulk around shoe stores refusing all help from the perky sales people, and heading towards the, okay I will tell you, (women’s size 10-wide) forbidden zone. Every now and then I get the courage to come right out and ask “Excuse me, do you have this (insert cute shoe description here) in a size 10-wide?” They always give me a piteous stare, and either say no, or chirp “I’ll go check.” Sometimes if I listen closely, I can hear the faint strains of snorts and giggles coming from the back…

   There is a lot of talk out there these days about ‘apple’ shapes and ‘pear’ shapes. I feel that I fall more into the category of ‘potato’ shaped. I seem to be, in fact, genetically modeled after Mrs. Potato-Head. Let me tell you it is interesting to go through life with a squatty, short torso and long (relatively) thinner arms and legs. The major designers out there right now just don’t seem to be favoring that look.

     Also, due to birthing two children and losing and regaining enough weight to add up to a small village, I have this interesting, and by interesting I mean apron-esque, stomach. It’s really too bad that I can’t have a zipper installed then I wouldn’t need a purse. How handy would that be? It would be like a reverse fanny-pack. It would be oh-so convenient too, in a kangaroo-like way. Except instead of toting kids around, I would opt for car keys, wallets and paperbacks.

    The only problems I foresee would be; even more ill-fitting pants and the tricky issue of actually gaining access to the contents in, say, the grocery store check-out line without it being misconstrued as an indecent act.

   I dunno, these are just some random thoughts I am pondering this morning, but I bet those of you out there that are not slim enough to slip through the street grate, or cut the size labels out of your clothes, because it is nobody’s freakin’ business but yours, have probably pondered similar things. No? Then may your thong give you an atomic wedgie!

Tonya Willman ©2010