Dear Autumn;
It is my sincere hope that we can work out a deal this year. As you know I have nothing against you. You are lovely with your clear sunny days and crisp, chilly nights. I know, I know, everybody is waiting for that one frosty night that will bring out all the wondrous colors--- Whatever.
This is not my issue with you. No, the bone I have to pick is that you seem so vibrant and lively. Much in the same way salmon do as they briskly swim upstream to spawn. But we both know it is a big fat lie! You are the harbinger of the year winding down. You are the precursor to the dead winter months which lead me to the depths of despair.
No. All of your beautiful colors, and the wood smoke, and the pumpkins, and the smell of apples and cinnamon, and blah, blah, blah won’t keep the bare, dead branches of winter from scraping at my windows! Oh, you like to lure me in. Sure it’s fun taking those walks through the crunchy golden leaves. So what, fickle Fall! They may as well be cornflakes, because pretty soon it will all turn to snowflakes.Oh I can hear everyone out there now: wheeee-hoo, snow! Yeah? Woopty-freaking-doo.Everybody’s all; Snow angels and fairy, fairy, twinkle, twinkle.
Excuse me while I spew on my parka! Winter is the ogre that chews on your bones. Winter is the gloom when the power goes out for three days and nights and turns everyone in your house into mole-people. Winter is the slushy, nasty, cinder-filled-black crud that passes for ‘snow’. Winter is being snow bound with cabin fever until, even though you have plenty of food, you begin to sympathize with the Donner Party. All the little foibles of the family, oh-so-cute any other time; become oh-so-intolerable.
Especially after all the batteries have died and the candles all have burned away, and you’ve read everything in the house for the fourth time, even the hot water heater instructions….Speaking of which; you’ve actually had no hot water for days and the dogs are also trapped inside until everything begins to smell like an over-heated canine armpit!
There is nothing quite like sitting down to a dinner of glop that you have whipped up on the wood stove, because the power is out AGAIN, and then enjoying the ear-buzzing background of silence while you listen to every one slurping up their food like famished wolverines. It is also a treat to eventually find yourself burying your freezer items in the snow, because your pork chops are getting floppy!
And PLEASE Autumn, do not get me started on all the trees, so gaily colored in October that come crashing down on frigid January nights, waking you from a sound sleep in much the same way as a noisy home invasion. First you hear the splitting and cracking, then the big earth-shaking WHOMP!!!! If that is not enough to cause the onset of Irritable Bowel Syndrome then I don’t know what is! We still have a four foot crater in our back yard from last winter’s spectacularly horrifying crash of our mighty oak, giant root system and all! Oh sure, Bill has planted stuff in it and, I even stuck my infamous Pink Flamingos there…but it’s still just a crater where my lovely tree lived.
So I was thinking; is there ANY way that you could just hold out for a bit longer? Maybe you could go into negotiations with winter? Possibly bribe the hag to be a bit nicer. “How about more rainy days and fewer blizzards….” You could ask seductively, whilest preening like a peacock dressed in crimson, gold and cherry brown. You’ve heard of May-December romances, right? Well maybe you could get Spring interested in the old girl’s bones a bit early, with some soothing flattery, and promises of special favors you will pay to next Summer….Since Spring and Summer are such close friends, this might peak some interest.
I’m desperate here, Autumn. Be sweet to me! We could be such chums. Even though your number is already up, I am prepared to spend LOTS of extra time with you in complete and utter denial. Hold on to those red and golden leaves. Don’t give in! I will dance passionately in them and make acorn pudding ; (though I don’t even know if that is a real thing. We may have learned it in school as some Indian legend. But I digress.) Oh Autumn, the point is that I cannot move to a sunnier climb. I cannot go to Hawaii, even though I would be stunning in a muu muu. You are my only hope. You and the S.A.D light that I am going to have my doctor order. Which I shall continuously sit under all the snowy, sloppy, rainy days until I look like a crispy, golden brown turkey!!!!!SEE how it all comes back around!
Wait, where are you going? Hey---- Fine! Go fling yourself out there in all of your self-denial and splendor! See if I care!
This is not my issue with you. No, the bone I have to pick is that you seem so vibrant and lively. Much in the same way salmon do as they briskly swim upstream to spawn. But we both know it is a big fat lie! You are the harbinger of the year winding down. You are the precursor to the dead winter months which lead me to the depths of despair.
No. All of your beautiful colors, and the wood smoke, and the pumpkins, and the smell of apples and cinnamon, and blah, blah, blah won’t keep the bare, dead branches of winter from scraping at my windows! Oh, you like to lure me in. Sure it’s fun taking those walks through the crunchy golden leaves. So what, fickle Fall! They may as well be cornflakes, because pretty soon it will all turn to snowflakes.Oh I can hear everyone out there now: wheeee-hoo, snow! Yeah? Woopty-freaking-doo.Everybody’s all; Snow angels and fairy, fairy, twinkle, twinkle.
Excuse me while I spew on my parka! Winter is the ogre that chews on your bones. Winter is the gloom when the power goes out for three days and nights and turns everyone in your house into mole-people. Winter is the slushy, nasty, cinder-filled-black crud that passes for ‘snow’. Winter is being snow bound with cabin fever until, even though you have plenty of food, you begin to sympathize with the Donner Party. All the little foibles of the family, oh-so-cute any other time; become oh-so-intolerable.
Especially after all the batteries have died and the candles all have burned away, and you’ve read everything in the house for the fourth time, even the hot water heater instructions….Speaking of which; you’ve actually had no hot water for days and the dogs are also trapped inside until everything begins to smell like an over-heated canine armpit!
There is nothing quite like sitting down to a dinner of glop that you have whipped up on the wood stove, because the power is out AGAIN, and then enjoying the ear-buzzing background of silence while you listen to every one slurping up their food like famished wolverines. It is also a treat to eventually find yourself burying your freezer items in the snow, because your pork chops are getting floppy!
And PLEASE Autumn, do not get me started on all the trees, so gaily colored in October that come crashing down on frigid January nights, waking you from a sound sleep in much the same way as a noisy home invasion. First you hear the splitting and cracking, then the big earth-shaking WHOMP!!!! If that is not enough to cause the onset of Irritable Bowel Syndrome then I don’t know what is! We still have a four foot crater in our back yard from last winter’s spectacularly horrifying crash of our mighty oak, giant root system and all! Oh sure, Bill has planted stuff in it and, I even stuck my infamous Pink Flamingos there…but it’s still just a crater where my lovely tree lived.
So I was thinking; is there ANY way that you could just hold out for a bit longer? Maybe you could go into negotiations with winter? Possibly bribe the hag to be a bit nicer. “How about more rainy days and fewer blizzards….” You could ask seductively, whilest preening like a peacock dressed in crimson, gold and cherry brown. You’ve heard of May-December romances, right? Well maybe you could get Spring interested in the old girl’s bones a bit early, with some soothing flattery, and promises of special favors you will pay to next Summer….Since Spring and Summer are such close friends, this might peak some interest.
I’m desperate here, Autumn. Be sweet to me! We could be such chums. Even though your number is already up, I am prepared to spend LOTS of extra time with you in complete and utter denial. Hold on to those red and golden leaves. Don’t give in! I will dance passionately in them and make acorn pudding ; (though I don’t even know if that is a real thing. We may have learned it in school as some Indian legend. But I digress.) Oh Autumn, the point is that I cannot move to a sunnier climb. I cannot go to Hawaii, even though I would be stunning in a muu muu. You are my only hope. You and the S.A.D light that I am going to have my doctor order. Which I shall continuously sit under all the snowy, sloppy, rainy days until I look like a crispy, golden brown turkey!!!!!
Wait, where are you going? Hey---- Fine! Go fling yourself out there in all of your self-denial and splendor! See if I care!
Tonya Willman ©2010
Tonya this is the very best..mom
ReplyDeleteThanks Momma!!! Love you! = )
ReplyDeleteAutumn has played a serious serious joke on you. Rumor has it that it is an El Nino year and it is going to be a horribly icky Winter. Have you seen the squirrels fiercely gathering nuts? They are preparing for a long cold and wet and snowy winter.
ReplyDelete